Total 226 Blog Posts

  • 20 Feb
    Oyindrila Basu

    Tips to deal with Sibling rivalry

    Tips to deal with Sibling rivalry

    Sibling rivalry can be described as the ‘dysfunctional relationship’, between two humans born of the same parents, socially named brothers or siblings.

    Rivalry means that the two or more kids in the family, are always trying to get the better of each other, by any means and prove themselves as best.

     

    It can be between brothers or brother and sister duo, or sisters. Statistics say that this rivalry is more prominent in families, which have two kids than which have more.

     

    And most of the times, this kind of rivalry leaves a long-term impression on the minds of the children, and even after they grow up, they tend to hate each other, while the issue may be different for adults (e.g. property share, relationship rights, etc.) but the notion is common- each one wishes that the other was never born.

    “Samir was completely broken when his own elder brother turned his biggest enemy and was brainstorming his wife and child to leave the paternal home, as Shishir wanted the entire family property for himself.

    Each day in the house passed like a nightmare, usual fights between Shishir and Samir (where Samir mostly willed for peace) turned the house into a marketplace. What was damaging is that these regular fights were now creeping within their children also, who unknowingly started harming each other, with the belief that they belonged to opponent parties. Samir often wondered, was it just the property? Maybe not, possibly the roots of this disaster lay in their childhood, where began this brotherly rivalry…… elder son Shishir always tried to prove himself the best as against Samir, who was moderate but fairly simple in conduct."

     

    In most cases, this competitive attitude is never resolved inside a household for several reasons:

     

    Sibling rivalry can start between brothers, sisters and the like, because the parents do not understand their responsibility.

     

    When there are two or more children of same lineage, parents unintentionally develop biasness towards one or the other child due to some reasons (usually because he is the first child, or the youngest child, or may be the best looking one, or best in academics).

     

    So consequently, parents tend to pamper the favoured child more, all the time, appreciating him/her every time and rewarding him/her with gifts and toys, in such situations the other child feels that parents love his brother or sister better than him, and this leads to a subdued anger within the neglected child.

     

    Comparison in family is a stigma. Each child is unique and has his own abilities. But parents often fail to realize this, and very commonly they bring in comparisons between their children.

     

    They try to exemplify one of their kids to the other and ask the other to become perfect like him, when they themselves do not know what is ideal. “Mom always tells me, try to be like your brother Ravi, else you can never become a doctor or engineer. Oh God! I want to be a cricketer like Dhoni," says Abhishek Mittal, a student of 12th standard in Delhi.

     

    Unequal attention to children can be the cause of sibling rivalry. If parents are not always giving equal attention to each of their kids, it can cause deep dissatisfaction among them. Sometimes, a family may have a special child, or a physically weak kid, who the parents feel, require more care and attention, and in order to do their duty well; they forget their other kid/ kids who they feel are abler and can take care of themselves.

     

    This causes a kind of dissatisfaction within the other kid being ignored, and he / she develops vengeance for his/her sibling, because they cannot do anything to their parents.

     

    Recent film #HideAndSeek portrays this kind of rivalry significantly, where elder brother Abhimanyu hates his younger brother Om, because he was mentally unstable since childhood, and their parents cared for the latter more, so he conspired to send his brother off to an asylum.

    When relationships between the families are not healthy enough, children can develop hatred for each other too.

     

    If one of the child is bored and frustrated, he can bully his/her sibling to gain attention from everyone.

     

    After all, human beings love themselves first. One who loves themselves can develop love for others, but self-love also leads to selfishness, and this is the major cause of sibling rivalry, where an individual tries to navigate and establish his/her identity.

     

    Sibling rivalry can have long-term effects, and even when the children have grown up with each other, this hatred remains in their hearts, and gets expressed in real-life situations like if both siblings are in love with the same person, or siblings are fighting for their rights on ancestral property, or rights on their parents.

    This eventually creates impact on the next generations, as well as on the old parents, who are in mental pain, seeing their children fighting. Sometimes, this can also have drastic consequences when siblings try to kill each other, as it happened for conjoined twins Anjana and Sanjana in the horror flick #Alone.

     

    This can happen if the issue is ignored by parents, stating as ‘normal’ in their childhood.

     

    How to deal with it?

     

    Parents, please understand that rivalry is not something ‘normal’ or healthy. Only because it is commonly found in most families, does not make it acceptable. However, there is a way of handling everything.

     

    • If you find one of your kids bullying the other, instead of protecting the bullied child immediately and bashing towards the bully, understand that both are kids. Talk to the kid whom you found bullying the other, try to know his perspective behind his attitude. Try and make him understand that this behaviour of him is not acceptable, and henceforth if it continues, he will miss on his rewards.

     

    • Also make your bully child realize, that if he was bullied instead by any other kid, how he would be feeling.

     

    • Stop comparing your children. Encourage each one individually for their respective talents.

     

    • Please understand that nothing will automatically get rectified as they grow, be an active problem solver and infuse the maturity and wisdom in your kids, rather than expecting them to acquire it ‘naturally’.

     

    • Reward them equally, revive yourself from any kind of biasness.

     

    • When there is healthy relationship within the family, a congenial atmosphere prevails, and kids or learns to respect in other in the same family and outside as well.

    Image source

    References: 1 2 3 4  

     

  • 14 Aug
    Oyindrila Basu

    Therapy can push you towards Improvement, even though you are Healthy.

    counselling

    Mind diagnosis or Psychotherapy has evolved in meaning over past few years and today, corporate organizations, educational institutions and other sectors are harping on the importance of mental wellness for increasing the productivity of their participants and for ensuring less damage and loss in the process of achieving results.

    Therapy no longer means that you have to be insane to get it; and no longer are they the fantasies of celebrities.

    A general counselling session every month or once in two months can prove really beneficial for a healthy mind and body, even though you may not be terribly depressed, dejected or tired with life.

    Even today, a huge crowd believes that if you have had a bad break up or a serious loss in person, or if you have lost your job recently, you need to talk to a therapist. But that is not true; you need to talk to someone to remain good as you always, was.

    Talking in a counselling session is like reflecting yourself onto someone and observing every bit of you. A counsellor is a true listener, like a sounding board which absorbs your expressions and guides you through a path which is positive and helps you find your true self, and true potentials.

    In fact, if you are engaged into a practice of counselling therapies, you will realise that you are gradually becoming strong, and that will prepare you for your future hardships and fatal times; for time never remains the same.

    In normal situations, counselling or mind therapy helps you cope with your day to day activities. For e.g. if you are a student, a general counselling session with an expert will nurture your potentials and abilities towards academics; you will never realize that when you have stopped fearing exams; when your anxieties before those short days have vanished! Subconsciously, it will mould you into a better person.

     

    Counselling or psychotherapy has its own benefits-

    • It provides you with a friend and confidant with whom you can share almost everything without having to think of the other person’s opinion.

     

    • An expert will give you the undivided attention and the unbiased ear, which often your family or friends cannot. An expert’s advice will never be clouded with his/her own judgement or opinion about a situation; it will be about you and your good.

     

    • Therapy boosts your self-confidence, it develops your self-realization.

     

    • Talking over a particular situation can reveal the truth, can bring out the cause for some unhappiness within you, hence it is good if you realize why you are unhappy, so that you can change certain things in the right direction and make yourself and everybody else happy.

     

    • A regular interaction makes you more social; you develop great speaking skills.

     

    • It makes you strong; when you realize your weaknesses and your strong points, it prepares you for dire situations.

     

    • Prevention is better than cure; hence before you get affected by stress, depression and anxiety, you know the causes and symptoms beforehand, hence it is easier for you to deal with them.

     

    Psychotherapy remains expensive in few places, however, these days online mental health clinics are doing a great job, for e.g. eWellness expert, makes therapy accessible and affordable for everyone, for people who live in small cities, to people who reside in a different nation. A benefitted person, herself writes here: Thank you eWellness Expert for giving me a new life  

    Counselling will also be covered under medical insurance programs as per the new Bill on Mental Health of 2013. You can start a therapy anytime and can continue it as long as you want; when you feel you have reached your goal, that is the time, when it finishes; the self-goal is important too.

     

    Image source

     

  • 18 Feb
    Mandavi Pandey

    How to deal addiction with a tough hand?


    How to deal addiction with a tough hand?

    “My husband was addict towards smoking…. there were several things he could quit, but when it came to smoking, it came back again and again. And mostly because he was in the company of those, with whom he mostly smoked. Or maybe, this nicotine became a physical habit, such that his regular bodily activities depended on it. But after seeing my dad suffer from the adverse effects of smoke, I made it a point that I will make my husband quit it. Regular quarrels made some difference perhaps, I knew he was trying, but after a few days he could not stick to his own words….. after the 31st I have not seen him smoke. He made it a point, that new year should have no more, dead cigarette buds around, it cannot be gradually reduced to end, it has to end now….” (Anonymous)

     

    Most of us are addicted towards various things. Addiction is a state of compulsive practice, or some action which has rewarding consequences as well as later adverse effects. It may not be always intoxication or drug. Addiction can be with anything.

    Too much shopping becomes an addiction.

    Social networking is a serious addiction for the teenagers. Text messages over phone is an addictive communication for many.

    So it is no more about a cigarette or alcohol, it is a wider picture.

    Most of us can work for approximately 10-11 hours a day, after omitting the sleep time, washing and bathing time, eating and drinking time, and general rest period.

    But within the permissible work period, most of us waste approximately 4-5 hours after the addiction that we are carrying.

    You don’t believe it?

    One who is interested in window shopping over the internet, opens up his laptop in the morning to finish some important write-ups, but finally ends up visiting #Jabong or #Flipkart and it goes on from one to the other, from #Myntra to #9Rasa to #Amazon to XYZ, in the process of comparing the price of one particular article that was in the choice list.

    Then what happens is, surfing through other sites, gives you a pop up window which keeps publishing some #ItemsYouMayLike and you click on them to inquire the price and this goes on till after 3 hours you realise that you have actually ordered nothing, but have wasted a hell lot of time, and soon you will be called for lunch.

    Addictions have worse effects on your physical and mental health. Constantly texting over the phone, in between serious study or professional task, breaks your concentration, i.e. disturbs your mental balance because you are trying to do two different activities (or sometimes three) at the same time. Hence it affects the work you are doing.

    Gaming is a serious addiction amongst kids.

    All work no play, makes Jack a dull boy, but all play and no work will make Jack a #NoBoy.

    Game can actually improve your reaction speed and alertness, but at the same time wastes your quality time, that is meant for other serious works. 65% of parents of 5th-10th grade students, complain that their children are losing 16-20 hours in a week, gaming, for which they are having to block the computers, else their studies and co-curriculums are failing to reach completion.

    A game lacks any emotional tangent, so a constant gamer, soon becomes mechanical in his reactions, loses logical reasoning capability, tries to follow an identical pattern in everything he does.

     

    As for smoke and drink, we all know- “cigarette smoking is injurious to health, it causes cancer. Alcohol consumption is injurious to health” (mostly spoken in a nice flowy pattern) 

    But beyond this, they waste a lot of money, just as shopping and café gaming does.

    Biting nails, scratching your head occasionally, picking your nose are compulsive habits that some people regularly indulge in, and these affect their personality development.

    But mostly we ignore these consequences due to the reward stimuli we receive instantaneously, and sing out, whatever it may count, but we are “Aadat se majboor”

    However, often our addictions get the better of us. But for some it gets serious. They themselves want to quit it, but are unable to. Adverse effects of addiction get visible over a longer period of time, so quit it as soon as you think of it.

     

    • Be firm in your decision. Firstly, you need to make up your mind that you will quit your addiction, and will not want to derive the momentary pleasure (that it gave) anymore.

     

    • Fix a date. Mark a date in red, on your calendar, that beyond the particular day, you won’t indulge your addiction further.

     

    • When the date arrives, throw away the last piece of fag, or any other packets lying around in your house.

     

    • Keep your promise to yourself, not to anyone else.

     

    • Avoid places and people which urge you to go back to your addiction.

     

    Sometimes, your brain will misguide you. You might hear a voice calling out to you, “its ok to take up once, do it, the world won’t collapse”. This is because, when we are tired, our pre-frontal cortex stops reacting actively. Do not pay heed to such voices. Use your rationalization #AntiAddiction.

    Do not let a weak moment soil your long fight against addiction.

    If nothing else is working, take the help of experts and counsellors. Talk to a counsellor for advice. A medical practitioner may help you medicines for curing with addiction.

     

    Once you are able to overcome your weakness, you will feel so much confident. Giving up addiction is not easy, but once you do it, you will have a sense of freedom, you will feel happy that you have done it. You will save a lot of time, money and physical and mental energy.

     

    You can now do some productive work, practice your hobbies, or spend some quality time with friends and family, because you do not have your addiction. Initially some of your #CrimePartners may insist that what you are doing is cowardice, sheepish, foolish etc. etc. but once you achieve this freedom, you will actually become more likable in the society.

    Then you can also set an example for your peers.

    Image source:

  • 18 Feb
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Is Intelligence the only ingredient to success?- EQ, BQ, MQ

    Is Intelligence the only ingredient to success?- EQ, BQ, MQ

     

    We spend all of school and college being tested over and over for our intelligence and memory. A lot of times, students don’t understand the real world value of what they are learning. They just mug it up and take it out on the paper.

     

    A recent study found out that the most high stress jobs are the ones that involve the most interaction and dealing with people. If you are a programmer, given that you know your code, you can make a good program.

     

    But how do you deal with people, who are so complex, so different? People managing big teams or having to resolve issues and negotiate day in and day out, were highly stressed.

     

    If intelligence and knowledge was the only requisite, then all the knowledge from MBA books should have helped managers, and they would not be so stressed at all. However, the truth is that there is a set of interpersonal skills, that make us more successful than intelligence. The main aspects of these skills, are emotional intelligence, body language and morality or ethics.

     

    Emotional intelligence is the capacity to understand the emotions of oneself and others, and to use this knowledge to interact with people in a much more appropriate manner. For example: if I know a colleague has lost someone, they are perhaps in a very fragile state of mind and may be slacking in their work as a result of that. A person with low EQ may threaten them or yell at them, making the other person angry and defensive, plus the work still suffers. Someone with high EQ on the other hand, will have a heart to heart chat with them, and help them to feel better, and at the end of it, request them to maybe look at work as a temporary escape from the sad thoughts. This would help get the work done and keep the relationship intact.

     

    Body language again is something that impacts us in a big way. For example, someone with an open body pose is more likely to be approached for a negotiation, a promotion, a job offer, even for a leadership position! Power posing means to hold body positions that elicit power. It not only has an effect on others but also on us. We tend to feel subjectively better and powerful when we switch to better body language.

     

    Morality or ethics are important because people want to approach people whom they can trust. Following a set of principles and being open about it tends to help increase the level of trust felt by others. Therefore, someone who is morally inconsistent may have a lot of problems getting their work done because people do not trust them enough to work smoothly with them.

     

    Overall then, being liked is more important that coming across as knowledgeable or smart. Research suggests that people are likely to buy a product from someone they like, even if it is a bad product, than purchase a good one from someone who is rude or condescending towards them.

     

    And to be liked, it is important to have good levels of emotional intelligence, proper ethics and suitable body language. The best part is that all these can be learnt, just like a hobby!

    So the summary is that someone with a good IQ along with a decent Emotional Quotient, Moral Quotient, Body Quotient will most probably progress much more in life than someone with only very high IQ. A good sense of humor and presence of mind plays a important role in career these days.

  • 16 Feb
    Oyindrila Basu

    Make your Retirement a new beginning

     Make your Retirement a new beginning

    "It took me a while to figure out who I was. It was a difficult transition. At first, I literally couldn't say the words — 'I'm retired.' "- Nancy Schlossberg, a professor of counselling psychology at the University of Maryland.

    Most of us are heard speaking big about retirement. “Oh! Finally, the holidays will arrive; I am waiting for them," “after retirement, will take a trip to Las Vegas," and things like that.

    But when the day actually is about to arrive, and the convocational flowers and cards start reaching your desk; it is not easy.

    You get nervous, slightly excited, that till date, you have worked for making farewells successful, and tomorrow, it's going to be yours, But you are not happy.

    Besides money, it is more of an emotional combat to deal with retirement.

    You, worked for almost 30 years or more, in office structure, meeting colleagues, sharing lunch together, and coming back home at a fixed time, retirement means a shift of identity.

    The next day of your retirement you won’t have any of the activities, you have been doing for nearly half of his lifetime. An emptiness, that suddenly reminds of the last day of school, or the convocation ceremony day in college. But it’s a part of life, and you have to take it as it comes.

    Finance: Retirement causes a kind of insecurity and anxiety in most people, of how they are going to survive without a regular monthly salary!

    Researchers have found, that a common man requires 90% of his pre-retirement income to maintain the same lifestyle when he is no longer working.

    Well of course, retirement should not mean compromise for you. Make your financial plans much ahead.

    Start saving, continue saving from your salary, while you are still working. Invest wisely in company retirement policies, reliable insurance firms and with banks, to keep funds coming into your accounts recurrently, even when you are at rest.

     

    Psychological preparation for retirement: Mostly, the sense of retirement brings boredom along with it. A fit and fine person is suddenly told to be at home one good morning, and it is going to be a continuous process now.

    Often it creates a kind of frustration in the mind; you want to break-free, though you have been hoping to rest so long, this rest period doesn’t seem agreeable to you, because it is never going to end. In the USA, retirement generally doesn’t come before 70, while in India, retirement age is 60 in general.

    A retired person may sound agitated or rude in the initial days, but it is important to keep a check that the frustration does not exceed the limit, beyond which you feel yourself to be worthless.

    Keep yourself ready for the situation. Mentally start accepting, that after the prescribed date, you will leave your old monotonous life and start a fresh chapter, an unknown episode in your life.

    Plans for retirement: Make retirement, a new beginning for you, instead of calling it an end.

    Life is long, and time is short, so utilize each moment to the fullest. There are many more exciting things beyond your 9-5 job.

     

    • Get yourself engaged in your hobbies, they have been ignored so long. If you are a writer, start your new book with #TheDay. You never know, this practice can actually lead you towards a brand new profession.

     

    • If financial security is not an issue, start preparing for trips with your partner, and go all #AroundTheWorldInEightyDays. There are so many places in the world that you have wished to visit, but time had never permitted you. Start afresh with the ones near your reach.

     

    • If you have wanted to do something of your own, today is the day to start up a fresh business plan, or invest on your interest to find a new genre for yourself.

     

    • Increase your contacts. Meet your friends and relatives at regular intervals, or organize get-togethers and parties at home to keep your social life active.

     

    • If your parents are there, and you have unintentionally ignored them, being employed, it is the day to compensate. Make them feel once again, that you love them, spend time with them. Do some small things every day, that can give them joy.

     

    • You can also employ yourself in some social work, that will always keep you in positive spirit.

     

     What you should not do:

    • Do not brood over your old days in office. Stop re-uttering, “I have been an expert in my office; everyone appreciated my work” or “every afternoon the lunch hour used to be a gala time."

     

    • Do not let your ego overshadow the appreciation for good work. Many a times, it happens that you have been in a very senior role at the time of your retirement, which stops you from accepting any decent work in future, because there is someone senior overseeing you. Always keep yourself ready for service, if it suits you.

     

    • Manage your temper. Do not vent your frustrations on your family. That can ruin your personal relations when you most need them.

     

    Sometimes you should not plan anything; life will come to you with surprises. Let yourself adapt to each new day. If you are hyperactive, you can start planning for a jungle ride with your old friends who is also retired, or may be a safe and short trek. Basically, enjoy your retirement, as a long and good vacation like we used to do for our school summers.

    When you enjoy each day, whether you are working or not, you will be healthy and hearty.

     References: 1 2 3