• 02 Mar
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Should divorcing parents make their child choose?

    should divorcing parents make their child to choose

    There are many factors deciding what a child thinks of its parents.

    Children may show a preference for any one parent because that parent is lenient with rules, allows them to stay out late, is more willing to let them consider some alternate career choices etc.

    But until children become mature and often, even after that, children generally think that they are made up of both parents.

    Unless there is a lot of hitting or emotional abuse by one parent, they love both, but in different ways.

    They may go to one parent for permissions, while the other for life advice.

    However, for this, they need to have some sort of bond with both parents.

    If one of the parent has been absent when the child was growing up, or was not present, even from a distance, for crucial moments of a child’s life, then the child only thinks of the absent parent in abstract, and the love becomes more like an obligation to that parent, with their loyalty turning more and more towards the parent who is present, even from a distance.

    Considering the role of the mother in home-making and child rearing, especially in societies that still feel that the mother should be the primary caretaker, the amount of time spent with the mother may make the child, regardless of gender, be close to the mother.

    Very often, you will find this structure in a family: the father is like the CEO who you go to for important things, while the mother is like the team leader or project leader to whom you tell about all your big and small crisis.

    This works out well most times, except the father-child bond can suffer if the father does not step out from the CEO role and become dad again.

    An interesting opportunity to know whether children can decide which parent they love more comes from divorce cases with custody arrangements.

    Often, the child may be asked for their preference, however, it is only one aspect along with many others that is taken into consideration in the court of law.

    Here’s what many lawyers will tell you though: don’t make the child choose. The child, at least before he or she is 14, imagines a world which is only complete with both parents. Divorce is hard as it is.

    Asking the child does not help because they simply don’t know what’s best for them in a situation like divorce.

    If they don’t voice their opinion in favour of one parent, they feel guilty of letting that parent down, and if they do say something, they feel they let the other parent down.

    Love is complex and should not be shredded down to choices.

    Children, then, have a worldview where love is present for both parents and the expression of it depends on the character traits of each parents’ personality.

    At least in this case then, choice means nothing but trouble and distress.

    Image source

  • 01 Mar
    Oyindrila Basu

    Wish You A Great Success Dear Students

    Wish You A Great Success Dear Students



    Examinations are often the cause of tremendous stress in students. Young minds are tender, and exam pressure is something that can cause mental illness in them, as a result of which they are unable to focus on their main task.


    Why do we generally come under pressure when thinking of an examination?

    Stress is the body’s reaction to any intense physical, emotional or mental demand placed on it. When a student is reminded of his annual exams, which will decide whether he will move up to the next class or will have a year loss, may induce stress sympathetic division of the autonomic nervous and endocrine systems, according to Nicky Hayes, editor of Foundations of Psychology.

    Furthermore, the rat race to be the best pulls them down. Parent’s high expectations that they have to get the highest scores are so overpowering their minds that they are easily fatigued.

    Some common problems of “exam stress,” as Hayes characterizes it, include disturbed sleep patterns, tiredness, worry, irregular eating habits, increased infections, and inability to concentrate.


    Hence in the latest #MannKiBaat session, our very own PM, Mr. Narendra Modi ji, takes a special half an hour on the counselling of students who are going to attend their annual examinations from the first of March.

    Through it, he wants to communicate with students, parents and teachers, so they can develop a healthy attitude towards examination.


    We also have, Bharat Ratna Sachin Tendulkar with us, who says:

    “Set your target yourself, do not get pressurized by others' expectations. You will often be asked by your friends, relatives, and parents as to how much percentage marks you are expecting this year. However, do not get burdened with these ideas, set a realistic, achievable target for yourself, so that you can assess yourself properly……….. in the last 24 years of my career, there have been hard moments and good moments, but people always had expectations with me, that kept growing……but my focus was on the ball, and when I set my own target and tried to overcome it, I felt I could do something for the country……positive thought will evoke positive results….”, Sachin Tendulkar.

    This is what we advise always for becoming the best.


    Modi Ji adds to it “Compete with yourself, not with others, and when you achieve your own goals, satisfaction will come automatically and won’t depend on comparisons………..examinations are just a way to assess that you are progressing the right way………..do not consider the results as the ultimate success or failure, if you are unable to reach your expectations, do not keep comparing your scores, but instead use the experience for harder work to get best results next time”.

    Physical health is most important. It is very important to study, but at the same time it is important to take care of your body and mind.

    “Take good sleep…..wake up early and revise for examinations…..do not cut off on sleep, to maintain a stress-free mental health that will keep you steady for exams," Mr. N. Modi.

    He urges importance on discipline as a key to success. A routine-less life will complete your tasks, but you will be easily despaired and bored with your work.

    To dissuade students from panic attacks during examinations, Mr. Modi also takes the help of our chess champion Vishwanathan Anand, who believes that for fairing a successful examination, a healthy mind and body are required.

    Wishing everyone a very best of their luck, he continues:

    “Have a good night’s sleep, be in full your stomach…. but most important is to stay calm, it is like a game of chess, while playing, you don’t know which pawns will come, likewise in examination you don’t know which questions will come, so if you are well-slept and well-nourished you can keep cool, and your brain will recall the right answers. Go through important topics during last revision, so that they are fresh in your mind….” Vishwanathan Anand.

    Mr. Prime Minister compares Anand with Arjuna from Mahabharata, who has a fixed goal, and his mind never deviates from it. His inherent calmness helps him achieve this deep attention, this great focus.

    “Keep laughing, crack jokes with your friends all along before examinations, keep yourself stress-free; you will remember everything correctly," Mr. N. Modi.

    “If you have a huge well of knowledge within you, it won’t affect if you are unstable in mind”, says our PM.

    After completion of one examination, students should spend time with family to gossip and chat on inspiring things, good memories before preparing for the next subject, rather than pondering over how many correct responses have they given in the last examinations.

    Let go what is gone, look forward, do not take stress; that is what Mr. Modi believes.

    Some good effect is also exerted by yoga and meditation.

    “If I tell you today, you cannot start meditating from tomorrow…. It is a regular practice…. You are required to practice meditation regularly, especially before an examination, that will help you settle down.” Mr. Narendra Modi.

    He exemplifies Thomas Edison, Srinivas Ramanujan (Indian mathematician) and J.K. Rowling as true inspirational stories, which can motivate the students to keep up their fighting spirit.

    A few general instructions which can actually boost up students and help them maintain mental balance are as summarized from Mann Ki Baat-


    • Be on time to your examination hall, so that you do not have to take tension for being late.


    • Spend five minutes reading the instructions in the question paper, so that you do not go wrong.


    • Carefully assess the questions.


    • Take good rest and keep yourself nourished, so that you are not hungry.


    • Keep dedication, determination, diligence as core factors of your personality, which will help in success.



    “If you are determined, then fear will shiver, and you will have a golden future ahead," says Mr. Modi.


    Once again, positive approach, beneficial energy around you will motivate you not only in an examination but in any hard time of your life.

    Image source

  • 26 Feb
    Oyindrila Basu

    The Small Mind-How to talk to children

     The Small Mind-How to talk to children


    The Small Mind- Your Kid’s mental well-being is the most important thing.

    A child’s overall growth and development depend largely on his/her mental wellness. If a child gets a good and healthy exposure, he/she will develop with a confident personality, wise understanding and quick thinking.


    What is most important is, a child learns from what he sees.


    Talking about well-being has become important for each one of us, but when we are concerned about mental health of a child, we mostly address the advices to his/her parents, because a huge responsibility lies on them as to how the child is treated.


    Try to understand your child. Kids are very sensitive, and they are easily moved with things. They can be happy without reason, again they can be hurt on simple things, so it is imperative that you understand what they are thinking, how they are thinking.


    • It's important how parents deal with their kids to make things do:

    Do not say too many things at a time, the child will not retain anything, or may be miss out on the important point. A child’s brain cannot take in a lot many inputs at one point of time. “Human brain can keep only four 'chunks' of information or unique ideas in short-term (active) memory at once. This amounts to about 30 seconds or one or two sentences of speaking," this has been recorded by a current psychological study. Be precise, to make your child understand.


    • Recurrent warnings will disturb your child, and he will be easily ignorant or confused. Let him learn his own responsibilities. For e.g. you want your child to wake up at right time and get ready for school. Tell him the time at which he is supposed to leave, with the consequences, if he fails to do so. There is no need to remind him, or coax him every five minutes. Let him be responsible for himself.


    • Your child will learn empathy on if he sees it in you: a child generally is not concerned about your problems; he doesn’t have the maturity to do so. He learns it in the process. If you are busy all day, don’t put your frustrations on your kid. If he has forgotten to complete an allotted task, remind him once, he will do it, no point humiliating him, that creates negative vibes, which affects the child’s mind.


    • Don’t ignore a child’s word: children are often fanciful, and they live in their own world, they make up stories, which may be incoherent, but has a sense to them; they need to share it. Spend some time with them, listen to them, your gesture will give them importance; they will be encouraged to create more things.


    • Try and understand what’s unsaid: kids are often quiet about their problems. May be they have been bullied in school, or they have had a fight, they may not tell you openly. Many a times, they feel they may get scolded, so they do not share many things with their parents. Try to be friends with your kids, and create the comfort zone where they can share every small thing with you.


    Talking out helps kids a lot freshen up their environment, which adds to their mental health. It gets difficult because we are often unable to read their minds, and they do not generally react much, so it’s important to spend time with them, so that you can analyze them and solve their problems.


    Child’s mental health has deep-rooted impacts on his/her adulthood, so it is crucial to deal with even the smallest of issue that a child is facing.


    It is a verified fact that 50 percent of adult mental problems are rooted early on, before the child reaches the age of 15.


    "Studies show that childhood disorders lead to more severe and sometimes multiplying disorders in adulthood," said Dr. Harold Koplewicz of the Child Mind Institute.


    The mental health of our children must be seen as every bit as important as their physical health.


    Image source

  • 24 Feb
    Oyindrila Basu

    How to minimize gender segregation in the society

    How to minimize gender segregation in the society


    As stated by the society, the role of a man is to be the breadwinner, and that of female....is to be the homemaker. Is it? 


    Down the ages, people have been claiming that men and women are fore and rear wheels of the same truck respectively, thereby, defining the gender roles in society, which means the back wheels can never come forward to the level of front wheels and vice-versa, and so can’t women.


    In our society, this rule is somewhat distinctly followed even today. Several sub-urban areas do not send their daughters for education, because they feel it is a waste of time and money.


    However, on a broader perspective, time has changed this mentality; women are into high educations and prestigious work roles (but of-course, besides being the homemaker, not without that), but gender segregation persists professionally, socially and legally, for both men and women in the relevant fields.


    • Dealing with gender segregation, should start from the core. Educational institutions should take up the initial responsibility to bridge the gap between boys and girls. More co-education institutions should be indulged in, rather than ‘boy’s school’ and ‘girl’s school’.


    • Each of us, as individuals of society should train and educate our children from the very beginning on equality of genders, so that a girl doesn’t grow up with the notion that she is physically fragile, and cannot carry her own shopping bag, or cannot take part in athletic games, also at the same time, boys should not grow up with false ideas that they cannot cry, or can hit anybody, because they are strong.


    gender equality infographics

    A general study proves that women have 20% lesser annual wage than that of men, because they choose to be in professions, which are traditionally defined for them.

    This is the basic idea of gender segregation in the work field. For e.g. ‘teaching’ is a profession mostly pursued by women, which leads to crowding, and it can never match up with the wages and opportunities of male-dominated jobs like corporate houses or business.


    And if the profession is not a selective aspect, society themselves segregates the valuation for feminine roles and qualities, in spite of our constitutional declaration of “equal pay for equal work”.


    This discrimination is very prominent in bigger industries like the entertainment world. Recently, actress Anushka Sharma came up with her honest acceptance of this fact, that in the film industry, the film always belongs to the ‘hero’, his role is more dominant, as well as his wage.


    The actress is merely a beautifier. With evolving times, even though role of women in films have changed, and today we are having more of women-oriented films like the Madhur Bhandarkar ones, but a female actor never gets the same paycheque as that of a male actor, even though she works harder. The unsaid law, not for a single time, breaks in society.


    This can often lead to mental trauma. This kind of segregation has long-term impacts, like a person discriminated fails in self-evaluation, and over a period of time gets accustomed to the thought that this is what she deserves, she is inferior and should opt for roles that suit her, and not aspire for more influential positions.


    This can be quite shattering for human development. It can stop one’s genuine effort towards an ambition.


    • Employers should be sensitive about this issue. Logic-less statement by the society can change when people start thinking rationally.


    • Employers should put more effort in deciding wages for employees, and make policies identical for both men and women, doing an equal amount of work.


    • Government should allot seats in jobs for male and female candidates equally. (At least for professions which are getting overcrowded with any particular gender) this will maintain the equal number of candidates, without overcrowding, and will force the dominating gender to select other prospective careers apart from the ones, because seats are limited to her gender. 


    • Women themselves should also educate themselves such that they are capable of proper self-assessment, and can opt for more profitable jobs.


    • They should always stand up against inequality of wage, and not keep quiet in fear of losing a job or a role.


    • Often social subjugation trains a woman to choose her personal duties over a professional career, which also leads to this inequality in the workfield, and their efforts are valued less.
    • However, women should understand that their years-long education is as valuable as watching #CookItUpWithTarlaDalal J and that ignoring their work will just tag them unprofessional.

    Apart from the profession, even today, women have to face segregations in various social positions.


    For e.g. change of surname (though it is a matter of choice today), though you may not preach, but the society (your friends, relatives) poses to preach your husband’s surname in your name, as soon as the marriage date is crossed.


    It always causes an identity crisis for the woman, because she is asked to address herself with a different name from the next day, but she stands in a dilemma in between societal call for accepting the new family, and her habit of being a part of her own family, so finally, quite indecisive; she begins calling herself with a dual surname.


    • It is important to understand that calling out a surname does not stand for accepting or not accepting a relation. The Equal priviledge should be given to both men and women, to preach and propagate their heredity.


    • In such cases, dealing with gender segregation may be difficult, but women should be firm on their self-opinion, and what they want to do, and try to convince others on their notion, with a positive aspect.
    •  Social segregation is also prevalent in cases of opinion generation. Even today, many Indian homes hold the notion; the men should speak on financial matters, and women should speak when it comes to the ration of the house.


    But the concept should change immediately, because, “epistemic and instrumental rationality has no gender signature.”

    The "Big Five" personality traits of psychology -- openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism -- do not categorically vary between men and women, and that has been proven by popular science research, says Shaunacy Ferro.


    An MBA passed woman is equally competent on giving financial advices as men in the same field, or better, if there is no one in her family from finance and management studies.


    So make the factual data available to public whoever is saying otherwise, wherever you are being a subject of segregation. Don’t argue yourself; use the Internet with a humour message, to convince the person who thinks, “You are a woman, so you cannot do this work."


    Men are subject to same kind of segregations when it comes to paying alimony for divorce, or domestic violence.


    It is assumed by society that men are financially stronger, so they should pay a compensation to their ex-wives after divorce (even though the woman may be earning higher than him), law-false, logic-less.


    It is also assumed that if a woman is complaining of domestic violence, it must be true, because she is a timid, innocent, helpless woman. Society misjudges every individual on their self-construed notions.


    This can damage the prestige of the accused individual and traumatize him with insecurity and problems for the rest of his life. Effort should be made from us to change the situation.


    • Advantage taking can be reduced, when the victim himself explains the prosperous situation of the ‘other’ to the authority, rather than keeping quiet to avoid problems.

    Equality is a part of fundamental rights; equality is important for self-esteem and confidence of an individual who leads to growth, so segregations should be promptly stopped with a decisive hand.

    References: 1 2 3

    Image source 1 2

  • 23 Feb
    Oyindrila Basu

    Why Relations Fall Apart?

    Why Relations Fall Apart?


    “Namit, are you serious! You can’t even drop your washable clothes in the proper place. There is the laundry bag, why do you throw it here and there? It’s disgusting! I can’t do so much…

    Namit replies, ‘How can you talk to me like that Megha! I am back after a long day, I expect you will greet me with a cup of tea, and you start fighting over my shirt, that’s ridiculous! My mom was right! You can never be my proper wife’”- Anonymous.

    This is a common picture which signifies the beginning of a rift in a relationship. Do focus on the word ‘proper’ in the conversation.


    This is one of the major causes why relations often lead to a failed consequence.


    • Over Expectation: We always want that we will be with the ‘right’ person. Our society influences us to nurture this belief, that if we are married to a person, he/she must be the ‘right’ one, hence develops the concept of perfection in our mind. We feel our partner should be exactly like I want him/her to be. If it happens that way, means everything is ‘proper’, any deviation from that set pattern of expectation leads to despair. The created image of our partner in our mind distorts, and we start accusing “I never thought you were like this," and things begin falling apart, once you feel the person is not the right one. The moment the perfect picture in our mind is broken, we start finding faults with the other person. Small things lead to a big issue. Now we do not like anything about the person we live with.


    • Lack of trust: if we do not trust each other, we cannot be with each other. Trust and reliance on each other are  important factors for a relationship.


    • Lack of time: if partners do not have sufficient time for each other, both feel ignored at their own levels. Each one feels the other is not concerned. Over a long period of time, this leads to argument, and breakup, because both feel there is no reason to stay together.


    • Over-possessiveness: bothering too much about your partner is disturbing to the other. Possessiveness is good, and it is required, but if it continues overtly, it can actually harm your relation, for your partner will feel you don’t trust or respect him/her.


    • Lack of understanding: we often talk about compatibility. It is more about understanding each other. Most of the times, partners get self-obsessed and are not in a position to view the alternate perspective; this is the major harmful ingredient in a divorce recipe.


    • Ego: last but not the least, an inflated ego in a relationship can burst the balloon of love.


    How can you keep your relations from falling apart?

    • Try to understand that there is nothing called perfect. In a relationship, two individuals are two different human beings. They cannot be like each other. So do not set your expectation that your partner will comply to all your opinions are wishes.


    • Do not interfere with small things of your partner. Have faith at a certain level. You cannot control his/her life, if you try to do so, it will only alienate him/her further from you.


    • Always try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. It is difficult, but do it, to understand the alternate perspective, once you do so, arguments will die down.


    • If there has been a conflict or problem, talk it out and solve it, don’t let your ego come in between. No-one is a superman; everyone has flaws, do not hesitate to accept if you are at folly.

    Break ups are a major reason for stress. And stress can damage your mental health badly.

    Hence there is no point of getting inspired with #LoveBreakupsAndZindagi, show your care when it is required.

    With advent of globalisation, what is lacking most is the time. However, if you want to be happy and keep your partner pleased, take out some quality time of your busy schedule and plan something for yourselves. Alternatively, you can just utilize that time to talk to each other. Maybe on the various issues that have disturbed you, but you could not say it. May be on the different problem you are anticipating, but you can’t always share it.

    If nothing like that, then just talk for the sake of talking. Laugh together, and that will refresh your mental health. It will also act as a stress buster in your work life.

    Keep some self-time as well. Too much time with your partner is also unhealthy for your relationship, you tend to get bored quickly. Have space and give space.

    Respect each other’s ideologies. Yours may not be the same as hers, but if you cannot follow it, respect it, and let her follow hers.

    If you find something out of place in the household, try rectifying it yourself, rather than blaming your partner for the small small things.

    Life will become much simpler and relationships will stay healthy, if a little sensibility is implied.

    References 1 2 3  

    Image source

Book an appointment