Sarita: Huh! It’s so much better, that here at least I can view one serial completely, in a day, otherwise in your house; it was all about news channels, and we would not get a chance.
Ravikant: Ahmmm….. ya right, you have just got a chance to complain again. You have been there for only 3 months, and in such a short span, you had so many problems hmm! Wow!
The phrase “just 3 months” and “such a short span," suddenly angered Sarita, she was reminded of all the unpleasant incidents that have been happening post her marriage, until the time she came to US with her husband on a different posting. A small humorous dialogue between the two, unexpectedly changed into a damaging scene where Sarita began hurling all the harsh words.
Sarita: what do you think, a person who is complaining after 5 years of marriage is a pious lady, and only because I am expressing myself instantly, so I did not adjust? I did not bear with your rustic family? Oh so you think your mother, and father were perfect?
Ravikant: I never said anything, it’s useless talking to you.
Sarita: No, there is no reason why you should quit now, should I make you count on all the incidents when your mother smothered the environment with her uncouth tongue, but I kept quiet?
And this went on, till the time, Sarita sat at a corner, hot tears rolling down her cheeks in rage, and Ravikant was so much in anguish because of Sarita’s reaction, that he was numb and didn’t want to talk.
This was not the first time, usually their common conversations broke into fights if one of the two hits upon any point that occurred in the initial 3 months of their marriage.
Ravikant and Sarita belonged to two different cultures, and as it happens these days, love marriages are accepted by families but never endeared.
Once the bride comes to a new house, she as it is, has some adjustment issues; on top of that Ravi’s mother turned insecure with her son and her own position in the household, consequently disliking Sarita, and taunting her, whenever she could, or trying to manipulate her, as per her choice, none of which were acceptable to Sarita and as a straightforward girl, she preferred sharing everything about her discomforts and dislikes with Ravikant, who in general was understanding and calm, but when these discussions were recurrent, he did not feel so good, because it was criticism about his own family.
He has grown up within it; with all its odds and ends, he knew where the problem was, but did not want to acknowledge it, and that upset Sarita all the time in discussions.
That night, the two of them sat in different rooms.
Sarita had decided; this is it. “Ravi never loved me; he is only the son of his family. He will never be my husband. He is always defending his family. They are a group and I am an outsider. I should not stay here; I should not stay with him. This marriage is on inequality, we should separate.”
In what circumstances, a couple generally think of divorce and what are the factors we should follow to avoid it?
Anger or contempt for each other: It is very normal, that when two people are staying together, they will have differences of opinion; they will fight and have disgust and contempt for each other, because each wants to stick to his/her point and not understand the other’s view.
Nevertheless, don’t let your anger get the better of you. Ask yourself, if the moment of conflict is staying in your mind for a long time, or maybe forever, subversively. If you find, your momentary anger and dissatisfaction with your partner are turning into a long term syndrome, wash your mind. Don’t let the love for your partner die under pressure of your headless annoyance, which might have occurred occasionally.
Arguments are important: If you are filled with disgust, and dissatisfaction with your partner, and you go off to sleep without retaliating or arguing, get the hint; that end is near. Keeping your frustrations within you is bad for your mental health as well as your marriage. Bring it out, discuss it, shout, but do not just let it go. When you start living like roommates, without a discussion, it is not healthy or sophisticated, it is damaging your relationship internally. You don’t talk, so you don’t know what the other is thinking or feeling, you make up your assumptions and live to believe them.
Live for your love, not your stubbornness.
Try to be a listener: Sarita was not wrong, if she complained about her problems with her mother-in-law. After all, it was not her house, she has grown up elsewhere, and if she doesn’t receive proper cooperation or support at the new place, or senses suppressed rivalry in the household, she can always react to it. It is important that Ravikant listens what Sarita wants to say, and try to console her, calm her, be compassionate with her, rather than try to be defensive for his family. When the wife is in anguish, she will want the husband’s support, if you are being protective towards her agitation, it will aggravate her further and will make her think that she is not significant to you. So learn to listen, and later you can put your perspective forward if you have one.
Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes: This is applicable for both Ravikant and Sarita. Disagreements are natural, but in an argument, try putting yourself in your partner’s place. Sarita should have tried to understand, how Ravikant might be feeling, hearing recurrent complains about his family. Though he knew the problems, it was difficult for him to handle all this, because he was in a new situation too, and how much ever wise and rational, you are, you feel hard to hear about your loved ones. The same he would be feeling, if his mother spoke ill of Sarita. So knowing the other’s perspective can easily dissuade you from an argument and blow off your anger.
Don’t expect the ideal from your partner: Remember, your partner and you, are not the same persons. You both are different, so your habits and opinions are unique. Don’t expect your partner will always be like you want him/her to be. Respect each other’s views to avoid clashes.
Be a companion, not a guardian: A wife usually thinks she can change her husband and force him to quit all bad habits in one day, somewhat like a gangster is often converted to a sage in our Hindi movies, because he is in love with our heroine. But real life is not so dramatic. The more you try to stop him, further he will be drawn towards it. Don’t just control because you have to control. Checking sms, scrolling through your partner’s mobile, enquiring each time he/she leaves house, interfering with his/her professional life, these are naïve activities, but can be frustrating for your partner. Moreover, a husband should remember that his wife is a grown-up person, she can take her decisions, or make her movements. So in both cases, try to be a companion not a guardian to your partner.
Taking joint decisions together can be the remedy of many things: For in such cases, no one is dissatisfied with the other, each one in the relationship gets equal importance, and can take pride for it.
Drop your ego: Finally, if you find the relation is sufficiently damaged, and strings can break down any moment, stop pretending as a victim, be the one to take the first step in mending, rather than thinking “why should I talk first, why not she." Remember, your relationship is important to you.
Love will keep you healthy. Your partner is your only place of solace after the long day’s work.
Don’t give up on your relation easily, even if you feel “she doesn’t care," you care, stop deceiving yourself; you do care, so go forward and save your marriage.