• 01 Apr
    Oyindrila Basu

    How To Break The Chain Of Toxic Parenting By Recognizing The Truth?

    chain of toxic parenting 

    The term ‘toxic parent’ was coined by Craig Buck and Susan Forward in their book to describe parents whose own negative disposition leaves an indelible imprint on the mind of the child. Toxic means poisonous. Of course the term was very literal, meaning parents who mete out violence and abuse or sexual assault to their children are toxic for their health. But in the long run the term has undergone transformations.

    Toxic parenting can be any kind of negative parenting which leaves a legacy of shame and guilt in the child as an adult. Negative parenting can refer to incorrect method of treating your kids based on half knowledge, ignorance, neglect or some old propagated myths which damage the self-development of children.

    Sometimes parents in their attempt to be best and perfect, eventually turn out to be worse for their kids. Hence identifying the truth about yourself and your kids is the primordial necessity to avoid toxic parenting.

    How can we identify the truth?

    • Break the chain of mythical parenting- In a family, toxic parenting comes down ages like a chain, because one is influenced by the other. A couple usually takes the lesson from their previous generation and try to follow what they have done, hence the same methods and procedures continue like a chain. This is not correct. Your improvement on parenting will come with your exclusive experience. Do not blindly follow other’s instances. Even if your parents did something, doesn’t mean they were correct and that you have to follow it.


    • Break the myth of ‘good’- we have been hearing from our seniors that parents should always be ‘good’ to their kids, otherwise they do not love them. What is being good? We all have flaws; we are not always good; we go through emotional outbursts, make mistakes and show lack of wisdom at times in life. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t love your kids. Sometimes your children can be the most annoying, disgusting wreckless people on earth and you feel like hitting them on the head. It is normal; you have full rights to feel that way. Your goodness belongs to yourself, you are not answerable others. you know you love your kids; teach them and nurture them with the depth of love; you don’t need to prove it to others.


    • Break the myth of agreeability- Children are always taught to agree on everything what elders say. They are taught not to argue. Agreeing is easier; arguing is bad behaviour. No it is not true. Argument is healthy. An argument leads to knowledge, opens various avenues. Teach your child to argue with logic and reasoning, that is proper parenting.


    • Break the notion that kids should do what they are told- children are not puppets. They have their own thought and understanding. Respect their individual mind. Let them grow with self-respect and assertiveness.


    • Break the myth of kid’s voice- we have been watching and hearing that kids should be taken care of, watched over, seen, but not heard, i.e. kids can say anything, we should not bother about that. This is incorrect. Kids have a voice of their own, they have rights to say what they feel, and they need to be heard, corrected if they are wrong in a proper way.


    • Don’t infantilize your kids, encourage self-sufficiency- let your child do things themselves. You can assist them if they need it, but don’t make them feel that they cannot do things without you.


    • Let your child’s achievements be his own and his failure be his own- don’t hang your emotional expressions on your kids. “My child’s success is my success, if he is happy I am happy.” “If he is misbehaving, I am to be blamed.” This is a wrong attitude. You can claim but you can never feel what your children is feeling so you should not claim his success and achievements, he has earned it with his talent, let them belong to him.

    Parenting requires lot of patience and understanding. It demands attention, and recognition of the truth. Know the difference between criticizing and correcting. You are elder, behave like one. Show your maturity in resolving conflicts; your behaviour will teach your kid.

    Image source 

  • 01 Apr
    Oyindrila Basu

    Why Mostly Teenagers Suffer From Depression?

    teenager and depression

    Though we cannot generalize a statement, but it is true that teenagers are more prone to stress and other hazardous factors that affect the mental health.

    There can be several reasons:

    • Teenage is a phase of transition in one’s life when he or she progresses towards the outer world. They tend to move out from parental care, and starts doing things alone. going alone to school, going alone for tutions, going alone for shops are common activities, and several new situations arise in the pathway which may not be very favourable. Inability to handle them properly can cause depression.
    • The care factor is reduced when a person reaches his/her teenage. As parents slowly allow free movement to their kids at this stage, children also tend to discover new space, new knowledge, new understanding. They care less about what others are concerned of; what parents are bothering about; they want to get loose. However, in the process of alienation from familiar ties, they reach a stage where they feel futile. Friends, foes, new habits, everything turns out to be useless at some points of time; they are unable to find the truth, and this leads to depression.
    • Teenagers these days are loaded with a lot of study pressure, exams, tutions etc. school syllabus is getting more and more extensive day by day, and it becomes too hectic for a teenage child to handle all this pressure. Texts are getting advanced as compared to standards and hence each subject requires a tutor if you wish to excel. Completing 6 hours of school and then attending 3-4 tution classes each day is a lot of stress and pressure, and when the child breaks down, he succumbs to depression.
    • Teenagers are often stressed with competition. The pressure to succeed and this pressure means reaching the top; being at the uno position. Everybody cannot handle this pressure equally. The set expectation of society, of parents and relatives is too high, and a teenager has to undergo this pressure; in case he or she fails to keep up to the goal set by the society for him or her, it means a lot of despair. Teenagers are no taught to handle failures and that is very sad.
    • Teenagers face serious problems regarding bullying, ragging, love relationships, break-ups, betrayals which they are not able to discuss with elders in the house. Unable to solve the problems they are usually stricken with anxiety. Also lack of a proper vent of emotions leads towards depression.
    • Outer distractions affect the inner consciousness- when one steps out into the world, there are positive as well as negative influences like addiction, drug, and many other attractive things which can be fatal in the long run. There is a dilemma going on in a child’s mind on what to accept. The bad habits are attractive, they lure him or her, at the same time, the childhood values are not completely effaced. What to do, how to do, these questions do not come with a clear answer. They are in between two phases, one which was innocent and devoid of reality and one which looks dangerous, yet attractive, the practical life. Teenagers often face this confused state of identity, which can be a major cause of depression.
    • There is also a scientific causative factor for teenage depressive behaviour- the dysfunction of gene DCC during adolescence can be the cause of behavioural problems. The DCC gene is linked with the prefrontal cortex which remains active to its best during the teenage years and regulated all the emotional and cognitive activities called the "executive suite," including calibration of risk and reward, problem-solving, prioritizing, thinking ahead, self-evaluation, long-term planning, and regulation of emotion. Hence disruption in the DCC gene functioning can cause problem in the functioning of the prefrontal cortex which leads to behavioural dissociations in the teenager.


    Mental health is the most important thing. Competition and pressure should not be levied on teenagers beyond their abilities. Parents and teachers should develop a friendly approach towards them to understand their problems better. Depression can come, it can also be cured; the important role is that of the family.

  • 01 Apr
    Oyindrila Basu

    How To Stop Worrying?


    Worrying is chronic. It is more a kind of an epidemic disease which spreads from one person to another just by having a talk or two. When you are speaking to your friend, you start the talk for joy, pure relaxation, but soon the discussion shifts to your exams or your office appraisal, or salary structures etc. once you lend your ears to them you soon start worrying about the same too, because you are in no different situation.

    Sometimes, worry just enters your window like a gush of wind; there is nothing around but you begin worrying. Worries can be result of anxiety, hence when they are useless, without a base, and uncontrollable, they are subject to clinical help.

    None of us wants to visit doctors, especially for something which is in the mind :/ (well when I am worrying, what can the doctor do? He cannot solve my problem and stop the worry!)

    How can you effectively control the act of worrying?

    We have already discussed in our previous posts how anxiety can be alleviated by focusing on day to day activities, or present actions rather than thinking in the mind. The same way, ‘mindfulness’ or focus on our daily lives can help reduce unnecessary and long term worries. We need to stop thinking of long term problems and pay attention to what we have at hand. Even long term benefits should not much bother you, as because once you start thinking on long earned profits, worries of by chance not attaining them will also haunt you.

    Get yourself out of the obsession- Worry is an obsessive thought. You need to get yourself out of this obsession. Convince yourself that this obsession is dangerous, if required, try reminding yourself about some of the biggest Hindi film taglines on obsession like “Vaada: obsession is dangerous” etc. J which might really scare you of the danger and help you stay away from worrying.

    Your focus should be on day to day activities- Think of what you will cook tonight, how can you make the meal more interesting! Feel the green ingredients at hand; smell their freshness to use them as the best garnish. Let your taste buds get accentuated by the terrific aroma of hot and spicy barbecued chicken; watch it cook in the oven light as it slowly turns golden brown. These simple sensations and experiences can give you the pleasure of ‘now’, and slowly diminish your worries on the future.

    Engage in a better obsessive activity- like solving puzzles, board games or video games, thriller novels etc. Nowadays, games are lot beyond just fun. They can become obsessions. Mind power is tested and transformed within the games and slowly it tends to become obsession. You will learn new strategies through such activities, and hence you won’t get time for worrying, if you are engaged in your daily life.

    Schedule time for exercise- make exercise a part of your daily life. Anxiety is averted by exercise so is worry, which is an element of it. While working out, focus on breathing; pay attention to the amount of calorie you are losing every day. In fact, the machines are designed such that you can observe your heart rate, calorie lost, time of work out etc. in front of your eyes. Your focus automatically shifts to the pleasure of losing weight; of gaining a fit body, from worrying and getting fat.

    Celebrate short term gains- if you have bought a new dress; be happy; come home; share the news and celebrate with a bowl of ice-cream. Appreciate the fact that you have achieved one thing that you desired. This will give you contentment. Don’t omit the small episodes of life to worry about when you will have enough money to buy a Honda Civic or BMW.

    Visual and sensory motor distractions can be really effective- television, computer, gardening are activities which can be enjoyable, and will provide you images which are new to perception in your daily life. These will distract you from worrying.

    Use progressive muscle relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation is a stress management technique by which you can learn to reduce anxiety by learning how to relax the muscular tension. It can be done alone or in combination with abdominal breathing, which means breathing fully from your abdomen or from the bottom of your lungs. It is the reverse of the way you breathe when you’re anxious or tense, which typically involves breathing that is shallow and high in your chest. Practice progressive relaxation for 5-10 minutes until you feel fully relaxed and free from obsessive thoughts.

    The above methods can help you implement new goals and activities in your daily curriculum which will require focus and understanding, so when you start thinking about small achievements, engagements and managements, you will eventually be shifted from a long term problem, hence less of worry will occur. Try it.

    Image source


  • 31 Mar
    Oyindrila Basu

    How To Fight With The Self Critic Within You?

    self critic

    I am such a loser; I can just never get the sums correct…. I had practised them so many times; yesterday too I have been struggling with them, especially the one with 10 mangoes, but I got the same error! How could this be? I mean am I nuts or a bull! Had there been a devil’s trance on me in the hall? Why was I getting the same answer to the sum again and again till the bell was gone!!! I am a horrible fellow. I can never do maths; I deserve to be kicked out of the class, maybe the school.”

    These are the possible kinds of thought that haunts us, when we cannot achieve a desired score in maths exam, or cannot be amongst the first three in sports. Self-criticism is good for your development; it helps you to persevere, try harder for perfection and achievement. However, don’t you think the inner thoughts described here are too loud?

    When you cannot remember anything but only worse things about yourself, know that it is getting too harsh and can be detrimental to your health.

    If you constantly provoke yourself with discouraging thoughts, you will soon start believing them, and soon lose hope thinking you can never achieve what you desire.

    So basically, your self-criticism which is supposed to be a booster gives an opposite effect of a dominator, and you behave negatively rather than moving positively towards the goal.

    Too much of dissatisfaction with self can damage your confidence, you start fearing your goal; gradually, you fear to attempt the task any further.

    But if something gets into the head it is difficult to get rid of it.

    Too much of self-criticism will make you a maniac. You will start hallucinating that people are laughing at you; they are mocking your failures, even though nothing of such has happened. Slowly, you will be forced towards the periphery of a good social life.

    So how to fight this? How can you control being a freak?

    • Remind yourself of the good things that you did in life. This can charge you up whenever, you are disturbed with the provoking thoughts of your failures. A person cannot be full of follies; we all have our list of achievements and we love to cherish our merits.
    • So next what you can do is take out your medals and certificates and look at them all over again to cherish the memories of your greatness. Feel proud of your successes. Laugh at the moment you won the awards.
    • If you are pulled down with too much of criticism in your mind, navigate the reason behind it. Try to find out why you are being so critical. Is there anything seriously wrong with you, which needs to be rectified immediately? No, we do not suggest that you accept your mind’s words as true, but try to look out for scope of improvement. When you try to focus on the causative factors, and the remedies to the criticism, the actual thought will slowly vanish from the mind. Kind of practising mindfulness.
    • Read more books to keep yourself active, whenever your mind tells you that you are worthless. Reading will give you a feeling of fulfilment, that you are knowledgeable.
    • After any kind of failure, criticize yourself, but to prevent being overburdened with the thoughts, practise rewarding yourself. “I shouldn’t have been so dumb, this is not the right way; the match was really important, if I could only beat her by 5 minutes, I could win it”, this is self-assessment which will help you improve, “but anyways what is gone cannot be retrieved, I have to try my best for the next match, but I am really fatigued, let’s go for a strawberry golla first and then a #SalmanKhan movie at the town hall”, this is the reward.
    • Self-conversation is a good way of resolving disputes with yourself, however, if the self-critic in you gets vehement, it will be like someone else is trying to prove day as night to you. you find it difficult to manage your plight. You keep blaming yourself for the failures, the mistakes. In such a situation, start talking to others. when you know what others think of you, how they assess you, confidence will be regained. Even the fact that they acknowledge your mistakes and are compassionate towards your plight will help you express yourself better, and talking out will remove the ugly thoughts.

    Develop a compassionate awareness of yourself and you will be able to move towards your goal with a fair pace.

    Image source

    References: 1 2  

  • 31 Mar
    Oyindrila Basu

    You Can Do Much Better In More Time Than Just 21-Days.

    how to develop good habit

    We often notice advertisements, bill boards etc. reading “Lose 10 kilos in just 3 weeks”, or “start speaking English like a pro, in just 21 days”. However, the myth of 21 days for the formation of a new habit has not come out of nowhere. It dates back to the 1950s, when surgeon Maxwell Maltz generally observed his patients and discovered that it took them approximately 21 days to adjust to a new change in their body or face.

    After every surgery that he did, for the first few days, his patients behaved as if they possessed the earlier state of their physique, e.g. whose limp was amputated would try moving with both legs for the first few days, one who has had aplastic surgery would tend not to recognize him or herself initially. The reason being the previous image that is already imprinted in the mind takes sufficient time to dissolve, and after 21 days of adjustment period, the new situation seemed imbibed.

    But recent researches have proved that the number 21 is as good as a myth. Getting a new habit which will positively change your life is a good thing, but developing a habit takes much more than 3 weeks. A habit is a part of the life process. It is much more than an adjustment or settlement of the mind.

    A good habit develops slowly and steadily.

    The research by University College London delved into the truth and tried to find out the actual time span required for developing a new habit or skill. Each of the participants initially tried practising the habit of taking water after breakfast and attempted to keep to their self-goals so that they could analyse how habitual the practice was actually becoming.

    It was observed that it took almost 66 days, i.e. little more than 2 months for the water taking to be automatic.

    Hence we can conclude that 66 days is a tentative time that one can take to adjust to a new situation, or accommodate a new quality into daily life.

    However, a good habit is again different. If you decide that from the first of March you will start reading at least one page of a book daily, to keep a healthy reading habit for knowledge. It is very likely that you can fail in the first few attempts. Pressurized by your professional and personal life and other daily duties and activities, it might be hard to find time for books, that too for the pleasure of reading. You can fail in the first week; maybe you could just read for two days in a week. That doesn’t really mean that you can never acquire the precious sense of reading.

    Scientific researches have also found that some people took 84 days or more to get accustomed to a particular task, that was not a part of their daily lives earlier.

    How to keep yourself motivated?

    Developing a good habit is great and not so difficult perhaps, but keeping yourself motivated for the task is very important.

    Do not discourage yourself with the failure- You may fail once or twice in keeping up with the set goal. But perseverance should not lose hold. If you fail to make daily exercise as a part of your daily routine, in the first week, it really doesn’t signify that you will never master a fit and fine body. Keep trying.

    Losing to yourself is disheartening- set goals which are practical and which you will be able to achieve. Not the “lose 10kilos in 3 weeks” type, which is next to impossible.

    Move slowly but steadily- each day move a step ahead towards your goal. Do little every day to get the habit embedded in your regular routine.

    Do not slacken your pace once you start- the first few weeks are important for your new habit. Keep yourself charged so that you can achieve what you want. Do not slow down. Do not miss a day or two of exercise, when you have decided to work out every day. If you do not have much time on that day, at least practise it for 10 minutes without giving a miss.

    Regularity will keep you motivated. The day you skip, the next day will automatically pass as a break.

    As you gain the results of the good habit, you will be charged up to do more. Remember, a habit is a process not an event that you have to conclude within a specific time. You can always do better when you give yourself more time.

    Image source

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