• 06 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    What not to expect in counseling

    what not to expect in counseling


    counseling is a beautiful process of healing and change. However, without the awareness of what actually happens in counseling and what does not, you may not be able to take the entire benefit of it. Therefore, we address some misconceptions or false expectations from counseling below, which need to be removed.

    what not to expect in counseling

    1.Therapy will work without my active involvement: Usually, after the first or second session, once the clients are done telling their issue, they tend to become very inactive in therapy. This should not be because the therapist needs you to be active in both speaking as well as taking action outside of the therapy room in order to make sure that therapy works. Therefore, continuously keep engaging with your therapist about what you feel, think and what course of action is best. You should not take a back seat.

    what not to expect in counseling

    2.Magic will happen just by talking for an hour: While the talking will help you feel good, but whatever is discussed in the therapy room and the suggestions or homework given, needs to be implemented in real life. Therapy works well only if you can transition the change in real life as well. If the suggestions given do not work out for you, then alternatives need to be actively generated.

    what not to expect in counseling

    3.Therapist’s job is to give me advice and mine is to take it: This is perhaps the biggest misconception, that therapists ‘tell what to do’ and the client is just supposed to listen. In reality, this is not what should happen. Because of their listening skills and knowledge of human mind, therapists can efficiently hear you out and help you reorganize your thoughts and emotions, so that together with the therapist, you can generate the apt solutions for your problems. It is a give and take process.

    what not to expect in counseling

    4.There will be quick and magical solutions: Although you will start to feel better and lighter from the first session itself, for you to see a significant reduction in the problem will take some time. And that too will happen only if you actively participate in the therapy process. Therapy is a scientific solution to a heavy feelings and emotions, but it is not magic.

     what not to expect in counseling

    5.You have to reveal everything to the therapist: Although some information may be vital to getting over a particular emotional block, no one can force you to reveal anything. Therapy should help you let loose, but only after you can trust the therapist enough to tell them. You need not tell them painful memories then and there, or tell them secrets despite being unsure of how they will use them. It is as much about your comfort level as the therapist. If their questioning about a particular line of thought is hurting you, tell them so and discuss it so that you can address it at a later point.

    Hopefully, armed with this knowledge, you will find counseling to be beneficial and will be able to take full advantage of the process.

    Responses 2

    • Deepika Bhandari
      Deepika Bhandari   Sep 04, 2016 08:59 PM

      The stigma around mental health prevents people from seeking help. This article clears many common misconceptions around the topic of counseling, leading to more openness, hopefully!

    • amit kumar mishra
      amit kumar mishra   Sep 04, 2016 08:19 PM

      Very informative article..

  • 05 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    The Most Boring Article About Professional Counsellor, You Must Have To Read.


    A lot of countries do not have regulated mental health practice and because of this, sometimes people who are not professionally qualified might practice counselling or psychotherapy. There is a great deal of harm in this as a client would be disclosing deep emotional material to someone who is not fit to handle it.

    So, how can you tell if your counsellor is a professional? Some helpful tips are given here below.

    1.Qualifications: Usually, professionals tend to display their qualifications so that it is easier for people to find the right person. You may see their title next to their name or hung in their office. Try going to a person with a masters or at least a one-year diploma. Someone with a doctorate is of course better. If it is not openly displayed anywhere, then ask them their degree. It’s your right to know so don’t be shy.

    2.Experience: Sometimes, despite having the degree, some people are not professional in their behaviour and may not last in the field. Therefore, if someone has some years of experience, it means they know what they are doing. Not only should you look at what experience they have, but also whether their fee is commensurate with the experience.

    3.Code of conduct: A professional counsellor will follow strict etiquette in terms of fees, appointments, therapy notes, scheduling and rescheduling and other such aspects. If they conduct themselves in a haphazard manner and sound so unsure of themselves that they do not inspire any confidence in you, then they are not professionals.

    4.Depth of knowledge: If you feel that your counsellor only keeps telling you common sense things and does not really tell you about aspects of your mind or emotions that you do not already know, then they may not be professionals. At the same time, if they throw a lot of technical jargon at you and are not able to break it down for you, that’s not very thorough knowledge either.

    5.Therapeutic skill: Do you feel heard and understood by the counsellor? Have you made any insights or learnt any new skills? If not, then you may not be seeing a professional counsellor. It will be pretty clear within 2 or 3 sessions whether you are being helped by the sessions or not.

    6.Clientele: As a rule, a good counsellor is a busy one and often sought after. Therefore, is your counselor’s schedule packed? Are there always appointments before and after yours? If yes, then they may be professional with a good skill set, which is why people are seeking them out.

    Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind is where you got the reference of the counsellor from. Did you get from a trusted doctor or website? If yes, then you may want to give it a shot of 2 – 3 sessions to see how it feels for you. A professional counsellor should be able to make you feel heard and understood.  

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  • 04 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Reinstill the fire and get your desire

    reinstall the fire and get your desire




    Remember the time before marriage, when you were courting, or dating and you could not get enough of each other? Once you married, work, family and children took over and there is hardly any time now for each other. You are just living under the same roof and nothing else. Guess what, you can do the things below and kindle the fire all over again!


    Gifts are special gestures. Most men do not even remember anniversaries, forget giving non-occasional gifts! Therefore, make it a point to remember important anniversaries and give good gifts when they arrive, like roses, clothes and so on. Make sure to make her feel special on the special day. You can do this easily by setting reminders on your phone. Also surprise her with non-occasional gifts, and she will feel really touched and loved all over again.


    Take her out on dates. It is highly impossible to get alone time at home with children and a large family. Keep your phone away while you are with her and make her the center of your attention. Make sure to treat her with good food and drink, and of course, a sumptuous desert. Try talking to her about her importance in your life rather than mundane everyday things and work.


    Make gestures like you used to when you were dating. Give her a naughty smile from across the room in a room full of people, break out into a song for her, and send her a text sneakily during the work day. Nothing touches her heart more than the fact that you think of her all the time and want to make her feel special and loved.


    Try to take a holiday together without anyone else, if possible, even if it means a couple of days. Although family holidays with children and other members are important for bonding, you and your wife are the stronghold and you need to be the most connected. Therefore, taking some alone days helps you to understand each other and feel the love all over. Exchanging each other’s sorrows, joys and tensions helps you to bond. The physical intimacy is an added bonus.

    Helping out:

    Nothing makes a woman happier than a husband who participates in her life. Whether your wife works or manages the children, the care of the house is an additional and often tiring role she plays. Help her out with washing, cleaning, grocery shopping or taking care of the children. Not only will it lighten the load and let her know that you are there for her, but it will also help you two spend good quality time together.

  • 23 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Importance of eye contact in social interaction

    eye contact

    Whenever two or more humans are communicating, apart from the words they speak, many signals are given in the form of non-verbal language. Non-verbal language includes body language, facial expressions, tone, loudness and other qualities of voice, and so on. This non-verbal language often gives us a clue whether the speaker is telling the truth or believes in what he is saying, or not.

    For example, while recounting a seemingly sad incident, if someone is smiling, this is not in congruence and should be taken as true with caution.


    Eyes play important role in how we interact with our environment

    Humans are primarily visual beings, because light travels faster than sound. Therefore, much of the visual information from the world reaches the brain first, and then the auditory information. Our eyes therefore, have a predominant role to play in how we interact with our environment, including the social environment.


    Proper eye contact means you are paying attention to speaker

    Appropriate and comfortable levels of eye contact is important in almost all types of social interaction, whether it is in an interview, with a family member or a friend, or on a date. Often, without eye contact from the listener, the speaker tends to feel that the listener is not paying attention. Therefore, looking at the person who is talking is a good way of making them feel heard and establishing a connection.


    Some people, due to nervousness, tend to have strained eye contact or fleeting eye contact.


    Strained eye contact

    Strained eye contact can mean gazing or staring intently such that the speaker starts to feel that the gaze is forced and therefore, becomes conscious or uncomfortable of the stare. Sometimes, people in authority or power give this sort of eye contact on purpose in order to scare the junior in the situation.


    Fleeting eye contact

    Fleeting eye contact is when the listener looks at the speaker and at the next second looks away out of nervousness, and this keeps happening again and again. This sort of eye contact can be very disturbing because it catches the attention of the speaker but as the eye contact is not constant, it disrupts their flow of thought and speech. Fleeting eye contact or looking down at the floor may happen unconsciously by the speaker if the speaker is lying or telling information he does not believe in. Sometimes, in order to overcome the fleeting eye contact, someone who is lying may force his gaze to establish he is telling the truth, leading to the unnatural strained eye contact mentioned above.


    Natural eye contact

    Natural eye contact then, is when the eyes are softly focus on the speaker. This is evolutionarily wired into humans because this helped our ancestors to assess if the new tribe they were speaking to could be trusted or not. Eye contact within the tribe would often help to assert the level of dominance in the hierarchy – for example, no one could look into the eyes of the patriarch.


    So here is why you can use video chat?

    For close relationships, it is necessary to have some conversation in the day where you can see each other’s face and especially, eyes. This brings a belief and connectivity in the relationship. So for people staying far from each other, some sort of video chat is a good way to achieve this.


    Responses 1

    • somesh shankar
      somesh shankar   Jan 04, 2016 04:06 PM

      mujhe aksar thodi thodi der me bhunkh lagti rahti hai aur jab khana khane lagta hun to khana nahi kha pata kya yah koi bimari hai kripaya reply kare dhanyabad

  • 23 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Less Busy, Less happy

    less busy less happy

    Be it Lincoln or Gandhi, great leaders have always known to have managed their time well and more importantly, keep busy. Whether a working person, a student or a homemaker, there are a lot of duties and tasks we have to do.


    In fact, emptiness almost always results from not having something meaningful to do. A lot of work can be stressing but nothing fun or engaging or important to do can be depressing.


    Work or something that takes up time gives meaning to our life. Our self-concept comes from what we do for most of the day.


    This is why, it is not advised to take up a career you are not interested in. Going against our unique skills and strengths is not a very intelligent way of spending the rest of your life.


    In fact, when you get used to your work, such that it does not challenge you anymore and has become routine and repetitive, that’s often when midlife crisis happens too.


    Both marriage and work tend to have nothing exciting to offer at that point. That’s coincidentally also when a lot of people start their own companies or start-ups. In the hope of seeking something to fill their time at their age, some make work challenging, some have another child, some grow a hobby.


    For those who are not able to do that, there is a sort of vacuum inside. This leads them to feel less meaning in life. They are also unsure of their worth. Almost all of us feel that if we have talents and skills, we should be able to use our time to fulfil those and learn more things. Emptiness brings useless worries to the forefront and leads to high levels of anxiety too.


    Even for depressive disorders, the major challenge is to get the patient to start doing tasks again. In depression, there is a high level of conviction that one is useless, or no matter one does, it will not make a difference. As much as we think we want or need a break, we do not do really well when completely free. And this is independent of a source of income. That is, even if we are financially secure, we still feel the need to do something productive with our time.


    That is why, some of the highest earning individuals are also the busiest. Otherwise, they have enough money, then why should they bother? For example, Shahrukh Khan starts his day at 5 a.m., in the morning! Of course, they take vacations too and can recuperate and come back to work, a luxury many can afford.


    However, you can take small breaks so that you do not burn out and keep feeling energized. But completely being free is not such a great idea. Having something to do is the guiding light in our lives and life would indeed be dark without it.


    So what can you do if you have a lot of free time which makes you feel despair?


    Find a hobby or a good cause and use your time well. Or, help out someone who is overburdened. The solution is as simple as that :)


    Responses 1

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