• 15 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Therapist is neither a magician nor God


    There are many misconceptions about therapy and counselling, which lead to the therapist being seen as an exceptional magical figure. These high expectations are bad because they give the untrained and nonprofessional counsellor to be inefficient and not answer any questions by the client, at the same time claiming hefty fees for inadequate services. What this notion also does is that it makes the clients inactive in therapy as they expect solution and respite to come from the counsellor.

    Therapy is a collaborative process:

    Client is expected to be equally involved and regularly giving feedback. When the clients feel that the therapist is some God figure or a magician, they take the therapist’s suggestion as foolproof advice when has to followed at any cost. Therefore, there is no discussion and elaboration and therefore, therapy gradually becomes one-sided and redundant.


    Therapy means real interchange of ideas and feeling:

    As a person evolves within therapy, his thoughts and feelings undergo a change. If he thinks of the therapist as God and is too awed by him to disclose any of his ‘imperfect’ feelings and therefore, the whole interaction can start to be fake. The client is just nodding yes to all of the therapist’s advice and suggestions, therefore, no real interchange of ideas and feelings can happen.


    Discuss together the best possible route to a solution:

    Similarly, just by talking to the therapist, all the problems will not disappear. They have unique listening skills which can make you feel really heard and light-hearted, but that does not mean that there is nothing that you won’t need to do. Talking about the problem is just the starting point. You will have to discuss the best possible route to a solution, try to implement it and then discuss the roadblocks that you face.


    Trust is needed for real theapy:

    Thinking of the therapist as all-knowing and way too superior to you means that you cannot really have a true trusting therapeutic relationship with the therapist. This hampers any real progress, because unless the power is equal, misgivings and shortcomings are not openly discussed, and those are what truly need working on.


    Clients need to improve unequal power dynamics:

    Besides, research suggests that clients who kind of put the therapist on a high and might pedestal are also likely to do that with other people in their life. That is, they are likely to give inordinate power to others in a relationship, as a result suffering from low self-esteem. Thus, this may be a repetitive pattern of unequal power dynamics that may need improving on and the counselling relationship will be a good place to start it.


    Therapist is your guide or knowing friend:

    In thinking of your therapist or counsellor, you should think of a wise guide or a knowing friend, who is there by your side, knowing the way slightly better than you so as to guide you, but where you are free to tell if you are uncomfortable with a particular road, you can and should collaboratively change course. The most important aspect is that both need to walk, and both need to do it together.

    Responses 2

    • leena mittal
      leena mittal   Jan 04, 2016 03:45 PM

      meri shadi hue abhi 2 sal hi hue hai lekin aaaye din mera mere pati ke sath ladai hoti rahti hai kya kare kripaya uttar de bahut bahut dhanyabad

    • ramesh sonker
      ramesh sonker   Jan 04, 2016 03:42 PM

      मेरी पत्नी मेरे ऊपर हमेशा ही शक करती है क्या करे की उसको  मेरे ऊपर विश्वास हो जाये 

  • 24 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Is watching porn always harmful? Is there any other way to use porn that is less harmful?



    Porn or pornographic material is made for adult consumption so that it can aid masturbation and other sexual activity.

    It is implied, and understood that it is meant to add to sexual fantasy and is not taken to be a depiction of real life, nor a substitute for it.

    However, when we start watching porn, we are not aware of this. We get highly addicted to it because it flows like a movie: no errors and just smooth action. However, it can be misleading and addictive as it does not represent real life.


    Do not expect your partner to behave in that way:

    Often, we grow up internalizing pornographic images, and expect our partners to look that way and sexual acts to proceed that smoothly.

    This is of course not possible in real life. Further, there are some categories of porn that are illegal and infringe on the rights of certain groups of people, for example, child porn, revenge porn, and sometimes, extremely violent porn.

    The problem is that if our only source of information about sex is porn, we grow up having misleading ideas. We do not see sexual activity as a cooperative activity by two people that should be enjoyed.

    It is seen as a way to have pleasure at the expense of our partner.


    Do not think porn as the knowledge source:

    If used properly, porn can indeed be used well, and without harm.

    First and foremost, porn should not be a source of information, but of pleasure only.

    For example, do we see movies to gain knowledge of the real world?


    We see them only for entertainment. Knowledge about what actually happens in sex should be given at the school level to satisfy the curiosity of the child, so that by the time they get access to porn, they know that it does not give knowledge about what really happens.


    Educate your child about sex education: 

    We as parents have qualms about sex education. But the fact remains, that our children are curious. If we do not tell them about sexual activity, our children will find out from an unreliable source like porn.

    Research suggests, that if children truly know what sex is about, they are less likely to do harmful experiments around it, rather than when they are uninformed.


    Porn should be used only for pleasure: 

    When porn is not a source of information and is used only for pleasure when with self or partner, we use it less and also spend quality time with ourselves and with our partner even outside of the sexual activity. This helps us to be healthy, well-rounded individuals with realistic expectations and that brings down the likelihood of excessive porn watching and addiction.


    Therefore, porn, or any other media that aids sexual activity can be less harmful and even in fact, safe, if we know what to expect from it. If porn becomes a world to escape to because the world you live in gives you no information at all, then it will become harmful and addictive. The key to making porn useful is to give information outside of porn, about porn as well as other aspects of sexual activity.


    Responses 1

  • 21 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Has modernization changed the purpose of marriage?

    old marriage and new marriage


    Modernization is a way of life in which the meaning of a lot of our concepts as well as how we go about daily life has changed.

    The age of modernization started after the industrial revolution with the purpose of doing traditional and outdated ways of going about life. Our understanding of the world was very linear and function-based before and during the industrial age.

    However, in the modern age, it is not just the function of something that defines it’s value, but it’s artistic or aesthetic worth, how it makes us feel and whether it gives us better experiences.

    Keeping this in mind, modernization also means changing the way our social institutions like family function.


    Earlier purpose of marriage is to manage home, family

    Earlier the point of marriage was largely procreation. The new daughter-in-law was expected to help out completely with the daily up-keep of the husband’s home, even at the expense of her wishes. The family, then, functioned like a rigid system, and the main aim of marriage was to keep this system going, firstly through the birth of the son and secondly by making sure everyone did their role to keep the system going.

    This was necessary as we underwent evolution as herds and communities. A clan needed this function to keep all it’s members under control, with rigidly divided roles and hefty punishment when someone broke rules as well as decided to go out of the clan. Obviously, then divorce or any other factor that would break down the system was looked down upon.

    If you look closely, all thee marriage rituals also celebrate fertility and what the daughter-in-law can do to progress and protect the new family. E.g., in the pheras in the Hindu wedding ceremony, the wife is ahead of the husband for the death, sickness and ill-fortune pheras, and behind him for happiness and prosperity pheras. Therefore, the new wife was expected to be a soldier ready to lay down her life if needed.


    Now purpose of marriage is to find a life partner to share life with

    However, in the modern age, we are no longer under threat or attack from other clans, neither facing the crisis of evolution. The function of marriage is now to find a life partner to whom one can talk and share life with. This means that young people don’t want to marry too soon. They want to figure out who the right partner would be. Couples are also more relaxed about having children, and there is no pressure for just biological children either. Adoption is increasing with date.


    Now women need their identity

    This means that women can and are wanting to have more identity than just ‘wife’, ‘mother’ etc. They want to have a social and professional identity as well. This means that she can also be a more engaging life partner, with something of substance to contribute to conversation. This also means that systematic abuse like dowry or domestic violence will not be tolerated. Men have to change how they view themselves and women.

    Having a condescending attitude or being an uninvolved parent will no longer walk. Women can and do divorce, thus their presence cannot be taken for granted. Therefore, marriage is no longer about acquisition, but about partnership.

    Further reading: 1 2 



    Responses 1

    • somesh shankar
      somesh shankar   Jan 04, 2016 03:53 PM

      हमें तो सुई का नाम सुनकर ही दर लगता  है क्या यह कोई बीमारी है  

  • 20 Jan
    Oyindrila Basu

    Social Pressure: Sometimes Boon, Sometimes Bane

    indian family


    Recently, while conversing with one of my friends in USA, I realised that India is so deeply, so gravely rooted in our hearts, even amidst the western breeze of EST!

    They are an Indian couple from Bihar, married for four and a half years now, without any issue of their own, and that is the sole reason, they are often rushed for hasty doctor appointments, the consequential result being really positive….that she ends up consuming atleast 35 kinds of prescribed vitamin capsules, that are supposed to keep her healthy. Reports of regular conversations with the doctor, oftener delivered to her in-laws, who are more than just worried for her first pregnancy.

    Parenthood has always been a subject of criticism in Indian society, when it comes late for a married couple, and early for an unmarried couple. 

    In India, marriage is considered to be a gateway for a very exclusive achievement, i.e. being successful parents, that too as quickly as possible! 

    The first couple of years for a married couple, are filled with enlightened and inspiring advices from friends, peers, and relatives to try and get a successful issue with the doctor’s help, or Baba’s blessings.

     And if, God forbid, the third year passes without any significant hint of small wonder in the family, the couple is almost doomed!

    Moreover, daily news updates on pregnancy within the family, or friend group force them to feel that they are actually falling behind in the rat race of parenthood, which can actually give them an honour code of achievement in the society.


    Now, parenthood, or the decision to bring up a child is exclusively a matter of private concern for a married couple. The husband and wife jointly decide (or atleast should decide)  of bringing a new life when they find themselves mature enough, for such a big responsibility.


    So how can the society influence them for such a serious decision of their life?

     Society is constructed on this basic idea of group-ism. Individuals who wish or happen to deviate from the protocols in a particular society, tends to lose his/her identity, as one of the group. It is like bearing a common family surname, to signify belongingness.


    So peer pressure or social pressure can be immensely powerful and influential for decisions taken by us, as was proved by Psychologist Solomon Asch in his experiment on ‘Social Conformity’. And the driving force behind the success of this pressure is the fear within us, of losing the belongingness, the fear of walking alone. And society as a whole, uses this fear of the individual, to impose and propagate ideas, which are often illogical, or even irrelevant in the current date, but are being practised since time immemorial, and delay, in any of these social rituals push the unfortunate individual to extreme corners, where he is left alone with no peers at all.


    Taking up parenthood has become one such social ritual in Indian society, which has a proposed time of action, set by the society, and delay in parenthood is often portrayed as a vengeful crime.


    The society will survive, only if every member in it believe the same ideologies, so if a couple decides for late parenthood, the other members, i.e. friends and family and relatives, leave no stone unturned to make them feel that they are getting late, and should pull up their socks immediately, or they might lose their prestige and honour in society.

    The husband or the wife is often tagged with infamous names (like impotent or barren respectively), and yes, it is true that the picture has not changed even today, so that the poor couple starts feeling helpless and un-identical to the rest of the society.

    For single mothers, the societal protocol is to get married and have a husband as soon as possible, and delay in that can create a taboo for the woman who is struggling hard to give her child a good upbringing, but with her individualistic ideologies.

    In villages, marrying off the girl is the prime duty of the parents, even before she is 18, because that is the cultural ritual there.

    This is a generic pressure, which is exerted in many other situations like delay in marriage; delay is passing an examination or getting a job.

    This pressure can sometimes catalyse the growth of an individual, who would otherwise have wasted his/her life in lethargy, but mostly it is a derogatory situation which negatively affects the survival of individuals.

    There is solution to this. Everybody makes an effort to bring about a significant change in the thought process of the society, by changing their own way of thinking, and respect the ideologies of each other.

     Image source

    Responses 1

  • 20 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Know the Power of Forgiveness

    Power of forgiveness


    Holding grudges may seem like a worthwhile exercise, but in reality it damages us more. There are research findings that show that both anger and holding grudges harm the person experiencing them. Revenge may or may not materialize, but you would have really harmed yourself in the process by then.


    Forgiveness, on the other hand, can help you heal and recover and feel lighter in the process. It may feel wrong to ‘let the person go’, but essentially, forgiveness is not the same as victimhood or just accepting your circumstances without having a say. Forgiveness is a conscious decision. Therefore, it is implied that one must be ready for it, rather than rush into it.


    To forgive, it is necessary to be angry at first. After that, one has to draw out and see the imperfections and woundedness of the person who hurt us and also to see how this cycle of hate is helping no one. This understands will not come immediately after you are hurt because it is natural human tendency to react and try to save yourself. However, over-stretching this is the problem.

    If we keep hurting each other in response, we will be satisfying a very base human instinct. But if we are to have more meaningful relationships and to survive as a species, higher level emotional processing is a must. Think about it: at some point or the other, a lot of people in your life are going to hurt you. How many will you banish and how many will you fight?


    Further, it is only one act of theirs that offends you, then why colour the whole person? It is better to give it time and space and then to let that episode of hurt go. Research suggests that couples who communicate and forgive have a much healthier relationship that those who don’t.

    It is human to make mistakes and if we take each mistake to mean peril, we will have to abandon all our relationships! But this means that you forgive an abusive partner or person in your life? Definitely not. Self-respect is the first requirement for forgiveness, since it is an act made in full control of the person. So if you are in an abusive relationship, it is wise to move away. However, holding the hurt of that relationship is likely to become a roadblock in getting over the scars of that relationship. Therefore, from a distance, think of how damaged the abuser is, and how you are too far to care, and slowly let it go.

    buddha quotes

    Forgiveness is about yourself, not anyone else. You do it as a favour to yourself. Further, forgiving means that acknowledging the person who hurt you has emotional shortcomings, and giving them a chance to change. If you carry the heavy burden of anger, grudges and hurt, instead of letting it go, it is you who gets hurt in the process. So do yourself a favour, and inculcate the forgiveness habit for better health, relationships and happiness.

    Further reading:1 2

    Responses 1

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