• 24 Jan
    Oyindrila Basu




    “Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke”, Benjamin Disraeli.


    Bullying is a distinctive behavioural trait of some individuals, to dominate or threaten others by mentally pressurizing them to an extent that they become morbid and submissive to the coercive pain.


    Who is a bully?

    A bully is not born a bully. It is a psychosocial character trait that attributes to various factors.

    Most individuals blame their past for their self-transform into a bully. They are often heard saying, that what they have faced from the society and others, forced them to exert the same on poor individuals who have replaced them in their shoes. In other words, what happened to me, I will do with the next generation. A genuine force of vengeance that draws them towards achievement of this negative self within them.


    This kind of bullying is not only very common in our #SaasBahuSerials but also true to the actual real-life situations where there is a very ‘cordial’ coexistence between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law (for truth is stranger than fictionJ )


    Often we find, a newly wedded bride of the 21st Century, finds herself in a never-so-imagined position, when she is asked to veil herself in-front of elders. In this way, family elders constantly tries to train and educate their daughter-in-law into a perfect bahu, for they feel that the latter is too young to understand the calls of a family and relationship, and she has many things to learn from the experienced brain.

    And this is a family heritage that gets carried down the ages, like a legacy.

    Each element of this reaction chain are victims of bullying themselves, so they wish to avert their painful souls by inflicting the same vehemence on their next generation, be it in case of family elders, or seniors in a school or college. They want to bully, because they have been bullied.

    But contrary to this situation, many individuals are violent and contriving in nature. They want to achieve a powerful position by exerting fear and dominant pressure on their peers. This quest for being negatively popular and powerful, turns a normal wise person into a bully. They use their talent and wisdom negatively in cooking up wrong things and disrespect others, for they feel that can gain them respect from others.

    They tend to equalize fear with respect.

    Again, another aspect can be viewed at this stage. A lesser successful person in terms of education or intellect or professional growth, but who is extrovert and smart, often develops a kind of jealousy towards other talented and academically successful people. And in order to cover-up for their inabilities, they target a soft, introvert person (more so if he is better than the former) to attack and mock, to shatter their self-confidence.


    “We focus so much on the differences, and that is so much creating, I think a lot of chaos and negativity and bullying in the world. And I think if everybody focused on what we all have in common-which is-we all want to be happy.” – Ellen De Generes.


    But bullying can stand out only when it is encouraged. if we tolerate this growing stigma, it will proliferate its branches in various fields of our society, i.e. bullies could not exist without victims.

    Individuals who suffer from a #LackOfSelfConfidence who are in-assertive of their words or decisions, who cannot face their weaknesses are often the prime targets.

    Poor individuals who are already petrified with several forms of panic or fear, even before they actually come across bullying are more vulnerable.

    In Bengali, there is a term called “bheetu”, which means scared, defines such people correctly, who cannot stand up and speak for themselves out of some kind of consequential fear.

    This is very dangerous. Worrying before anything occurs is a habit.

    People who suffer from such anxiety attacks and panic disorders are often set back by bullying activities that are going on around them.

    It is primordial to get rid of this fear and anxiety, and gain a proper assessment of oneself, which can, in return help to gain a self-confidence.

    Self-help strategies can often work positively in such cases.

    Try to collide with situations or people, which/whom you are afraid of, rather than avoiding them.

    Self-conversation, and reasserting yourself is effective way to deal such situation.

    If you are unable to do it by yourself, talk to mental health professionals.




    Responses 1

  • 24 Jan
    Oyindrila Basu

    What Is Bullying?-A Social Stigma



    Do you get something in common with the picture above?...


    you got it right.

    The next day when you find a new episode of #SavdhaanIndia portray a #DamselInDistress, because she is being bullied over internet, or a man at his workplace being bullied with extra workload, waive your hands to the fullest, and say a big “NO”, to this stigma, BULLYING....


    From #Virus, bullying his engineering students, to #KhiladiKumar pulling the pony tails of college girls in “Khudko Kya Samajhti Hai…”,riding a bike and teasing the girls- each time, bullying has evoked a big laughter among the audience, i.e. us… all of us seem to adore these qualities of our Hindi film heroes, because eventually the heroine falls in love with the hero, because he had bullied her :) (Poor Virus! Better luck next time you lose some weight)


    So why the nation has turned suddenly, against this word “Bullying”? probably because, it is no longer practised in fictions, but in feel.


    Now what this bullying actually is?


    All of us, at some point of our lives, have been a witness to this term or activity called “bullying”. This apparently seeming light term, has been explained by wikipedants as a kind of force, threat or coercion exerted to dominate others.


    Mocking, abusing, harsh patting, ridiculing are all different expressions of bullying, i.e. making the laughing stock of another person, by ganging up together in a group, who is not rough and tough, and may bear some physical or emotional weakness, may be termed as bullying.


    If we put it straight away, whenever a jolly good #Dude tries to pull the ass of a poor #Geek (please pardon my language) this #EmotionalAtyachaar is called bullying, though this may not receive so much of TRP on #UTVBindass 


    #ClassroomBullying is a very common issue, which generally does not receive the terminology of a problem, because, it ranges from simple pulling of hair, patting on the back, verbal irritating to beating up or stealing for scaring the other person.


    Each one of us have been a subject to this kind of experience in our schools, where the girl on the next bench would scare us by saying “I will complain to the teacher that you were cheating”, when you were actually not doing anything of that kind, or “give me your tiffin, or I will smash your face”and you numbly do so in fear of walking the corridors with a swollen face.


    In such a situation, what should a peace-loving child do?

    1.Adhere to the regular pressures and traumas?

    2.Avoid going to school?

    3.Change school or atleast change section of your class?


    No, that’s not the solution. Bullying can be a prolonged situation, if you are a silent receiver. It can come anywhere you go, or in any form, if you are passive to it. In a positive institution like school (where the first seed for a master brain, is often sown) this kind of misdeed should have some strict punishment, else it can leave a permanent mark on the character building process of the child.


    But children should first learn to speak for themselves. Teachers and administrators are there to solve your problem in school, and your bullying senior or classmate is not the #UltimateSovereign in the institution, subjects of bully should first realise that.


    First day in school or college, filled with incidences of ridicule from your seniors, in-front of your co-mates, can be persuasive enough to quit speaking.

     Fear of the child is the key to the ravening claws of bullying. Once you come across such an incident, immediately, bring it to the notice of your higher authority, in case of educational institutions, to your teachers. Yes, you might feel worried, that complaining might have adverse effects on the next day, but winning over your fear is the #PrimeJob then can you proceed further towards a solution.


    Silence does not guarantee that this kind of mental shock won’t occur to you again. So it is better #SpeakForJustice and face what may come.

     “Bullying started for me when I was in first grade, I had no friends. I would always try to fit in but they would always push me away. In second grade it got worse. Then I had 2 "friends" but after they started to insult me………………………” (Su, to The National Bullying Prevention Centre)


    Responses 1

  • 15 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Therapist is neither a magician nor God


    There are many misconceptions about therapy and counselling, which lead to the therapist being seen as an exceptional magical figure. These high expectations are bad because they give the untrained and nonprofessional counsellor to be inefficient and not answer any questions by the client, at the same time claiming hefty fees for inadequate services. What this notion also does is that it makes the clients inactive in therapy as they expect solution and respite to come from the counsellor.

    Therapy is a collaborative process:

    Client is expected to be equally involved and regularly giving feedback. When the clients feel that the therapist is some God figure or a magician, they take the therapist’s suggestion as foolproof advice when has to followed at any cost. Therefore, there is no discussion and elaboration and therefore, therapy gradually becomes one-sided and redundant.


    Therapy means real interchange of ideas and feeling:

    As a person evolves within therapy, his thoughts and feelings undergo a change. If he thinks of the therapist as God and is too awed by him to disclose any of his ‘imperfect’ feelings and therefore, the whole interaction can start to be fake. The client is just nodding yes to all of the therapist’s advice and suggestions, therefore, no real interchange of ideas and feelings can happen.


    Discuss together the best possible route to a solution:

    Similarly, just by talking to the therapist, all the problems will not disappear. They have unique listening skills which can make you feel really heard and light-hearted, but that does not mean that there is nothing that you won’t need to do. Talking about the problem is just the starting point. You will have to discuss the best possible route to a solution, try to implement it and then discuss the roadblocks that you face.


    Trust is needed for real theapy:

    Thinking of the therapist as all-knowing and way too superior to you means that you cannot really have a true trusting therapeutic relationship with the therapist. This hampers any real progress, because unless the power is equal, misgivings and shortcomings are not openly discussed, and those are what truly need working on.


    Clients need to improve unequal power dynamics:

    Besides, research suggests that clients who kind of put the therapist on a high and might pedestal are also likely to do that with other people in their life. That is, they are likely to give inordinate power to others in a relationship, as a result suffering from low self-esteem. Thus, this may be a repetitive pattern of unequal power dynamics that may need improving on and the counselling relationship will be a good place to start it.


    Therapist is your guide or knowing friend:

    In thinking of your therapist or counsellor, you should think of a wise guide or a knowing friend, who is there by your side, knowing the way slightly better than you so as to guide you, but where you are free to tell if you are uncomfortable with a particular road, you can and should collaboratively change course. The most important aspect is that both need to walk, and both need to do it together.

    Responses 2

    • leena mittal
      leena mittal   Jan 04, 2016 03:45 PM

      meri shadi hue abhi 2 sal hi hue hai lekin aaaye din mera mere pati ke sath ladai hoti rahti hai kya kare kripaya uttar de bahut bahut dhanyabad

    • ramesh sonker
      ramesh sonker   Jan 04, 2016 03:42 PM

      मेरी पत्नी मेरे ऊपर हमेशा ही शक करती है क्या करे की उसको  मेरे ऊपर विश्वास हो जाये 

  • 24 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Is watching porn always harmful? Is there any other way to use porn that is less harmful?



    Porn or pornographic material is made for adult consumption so that it can aid masturbation and other sexual activity.

    It is implied, and understood that it is meant to add to sexual fantasy and is not taken to be a depiction of real life, nor a substitute for it.

    However, when we start watching porn, we are not aware of this. We get highly addicted to it because it flows like a movie: no errors and just smooth action. However, it can be misleading and addictive as it does not represent real life.


    Do not expect your partner to behave in that way:

    Often, we grow up internalizing pornographic images, and expect our partners to look that way and sexual acts to proceed that smoothly.

    This is of course not possible in real life. Further, there are some categories of porn that are illegal and infringe on the rights of certain groups of people, for example, child porn, revenge porn, and sometimes, extremely violent porn.

    The problem is that if our only source of information about sex is porn, we grow up having misleading ideas. We do not see sexual activity as a cooperative activity by two people that should be enjoyed.

    It is seen as a way to have pleasure at the expense of our partner.


    Do not think porn as the knowledge source:

    If used properly, porn can indeed be used well, and without harm.

    First and foremost, porn should not be a source of information, but of pleasure only.

    For example, do we see movies to gain knowledge of the real world?


    We see them only for entertainment. Knowledge about what actually happens in sex should be given at the school level to satisfy the curiosity of the child, so that by the time they get access to porn, they know that it does not give knowledge about what really happens.


    Educate your child about sex education: 

    We as parents have qualms about sex education. But the fact remains, that our children are curious. If we do not tell them about sexual activity, our children will find out from an unreliable source like porn.

    Research suggests, that if children truly know what sex is about, they are less likely to do harmful experiments around it, rather than when they are uninformed.


    Porn should be used only for pleasure: 

    When porn is not a source of information and is used only for pleasure when with self or partner, we use it less and also spend quality time with ourselves and with our partner even outside of the sexual activity. This helps us to be healthy, well-rounded individuals with realistic expectations and that brings down the likelihood of excessive porn watching and addiction.


    Therefore, porn, or any other media that aids sexual activity can be less harmful and even in fact, safe, if we know what to expect from it. If porn becomes a world to escape to because the world you live in gives you no information at all, then it will become harmful and addictive. The key to making porn useful is to give information outside of porn, about porn as well as other aspects of sexual activity.


    Responses 1

  • 21 Jan
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Has modernization changed the purpose of marriage?

    old marriage and new marriage


    Modernization is a way of life in which the meaning of a lot of our concepts as well as how we go about daily life has changed.

    The age of modernization started after the industrial revolution with the purpose of doing traditional and outdated ways of going about life. Our understanding of the world was very linear and function-based before and during the industrial age.

    However, in the modern age, it is not just the function of something that defines it’s value, but it’s artistic or aesthetic worth, how it makes us feel and whether it gives us better experiences.

    Keeping this in mind, modernization also means changing the way our social institutions like family function.


    Earlier purpose of marriage is to manage home, family

    Earlier the point of marriage was largely procreation. The new daughter-in-law was expected to help out completely with the daily up-keep of the husband’s home, even at the expense of her wishes. The family, then, functioned like a rigid system, and the main aim of marriage was to keep this system going, firstly through the birth of the son and secondly by making sure everyone did their role to keep the system going.

    This was necessary as we underwent evolution as herds and communities. A clan needed this function to keep all it’s members under control, with rigidly divided roles and hefty punishment when someone broke rules as well as decided to go out of the clan. Obviously, then divorce or any other factor that would break down the system was looked down upon.

    If you look closely, all thee marriage rituals also celebrate fertility and what the daughter-in-law can do to progress and protect the new family. E.g., in the pheras in the Hindu wedding ceremony, the wife is ahead of the husband for the death, sickness and ill-fortune pheras, and behind him for happiness and prosperity pheras. Therefore, the new wife was expected to be a soldier ready to lay down her life if needed.


    Now purpose of marriage is to find a life partner to share life with

    However, in the modern age, we are no longer under threat or attack from other clans, neither facing the crisis of evolution. The function of marriage is now to find a life partner to whom one can talk and share life with. This means that young people don’t want to marry too soon. They want to figure out who the right partner would be. Couples are also more relaxed about having children, and there is no pressure for just biological children either. Adoption is increasing with date.


    Now women need their identity

    This means that women can and are wanting to have more identity than just ‘wife’, ‘mother’ etc. They want to have a social and professional identity as well. This means that she can also be a more engaging life partner, with something of substance to contribute to conversation. This also means that systematic abuse like dowry or domestic violence will not be tolerated. Men have to change how they view themselves and women.

    Having a condescending attitude or being an uninvolved parent will no longer walk. Women can and do divorce, thus their presence cannot be taken for granted. Therefore, marriage is no longer about acquisition, but about partnership.

    Further reading: 1 2 



    Responses 1

    • somesh shankar
      somesh shankar   Jan 04, 2016 03:53 PM

      हमें तो सुई का नाम सुनकर ही दर लगता  है क्या यह कोई बीमारी है