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I cannot understand my mother.

17 May
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User's Question

mother daughter

My mother has done a lot for me while I was a child, she was rigid that I be admitted to a good missionary school; that I go for my co-curricular activities like art, dance, yoga, gym and martial arts.

At the same time, the memories of my childhood afternoons haunt me; while I would be back from pre-school at 11 A.M. and istead of lunch I would receive a mighty thrashing which was scary and horrifying as I was only 3 years then; the reason would be because I have lost a pencil or an eraser; probably someone might have taken it. Almost every alternate day, she would hit me black and blue, sometimes hitting my head on the wall; I cried out my lungs but....what could be done, a mother was punishing her child for mistakes.

I grew up to be a strong person, a rebellious entity in my family. I never dissuade from doing my duties and responsibilities towards anyone in the family, but I am always firm on my opinion and this often leads to arguments and fights, especially with my mother.

I defy her every moment with whatever I disagree to; I shout; I exhale in anger, but I know that I do love my mother.

But sometimes it seems she hates me. The day I admitted my relationship, my father was eager to meet him, but my mother was very angry and upset, with the fact that I was in a relationship and was deciding to get married.

after the initial talks about my marriage was completed by my dad with my husband's family, one day my mother said, "come out of your relationship; you are a cheap fellow, your physical needs are greater than your duty towards your family".

After that a couple of years elapsed, my social marriage was to happen in 2015, but my mother was fixed on her opinion, "I won't stay in her marriage". That is not just the thing. She not only dissuaded from visiting my in-laws or participating in any formalities, she tried several tricks to under-motivate my father as well. that was when I could not understand her.

Every day she started creating some or the other problem when my father was to interact with my husband, or I was to visit my in-laws or I was to meet my husband. She tried every possible way to lock me up in the house, force me with some household task, so that I would not get the time to go out etc.

Abusive language, irritable questions were now common.

I was amazed! I have always seen that parents are more than over-excited to get their children married for their happiness and I was seeing my mother who made me do all the household chores, including cooking, house-cleaning inspite of the fact that I was a working professional and was not getting sufficient time for all the tasks, while she would watch television. I was late submitting my deliverables, but she insisted that I finish the floor-wiping on the prescribed day, at the prescribed time, or else there would be a chaos in the household. Everything I tolerated but now she was trying to break my relationship, my marriage and I just coudn't understand her.

I found her frustrated while my marriage procedures were going on smoothly. My father was with me and she was angry.

I remember the day when I was going to buy a few cosmetics and garments for my wedding, she snorted out at my father, "Give her, give her everything....I know, she is marrying to take all the jewellery, gifts and everything".

On one hand, she used to do all my puja shopping herself till the age of 21, she used to infuse her choice in everything sometimes I liked them, sometimes I didn't, but she bought more than required. On the other hand, if I would ask her to lend me a dupatta, she would blankly refuse, "its mine, I won't give, you have enough take from there".

She never visited my marriage, in fact till the last day, the last moment, she tried that I get late in reaching my grandma's house( from there I was married off)

I have also been nasty to her and aggressive while replying in verbal combats; I realize my behaviour is not so justified.

But my question is, which side of my mother is the true one? Did she do everything for me to fulfill her own wishes? Does she only care about herself and not me?

She often admitted later in life that in childhood she hot me to vent her own frustrations due to problems in a joint family. Even after marriage she prefers not to give me or my husband anything, neither visit anyone. I am in too much stress and depression when I recall those days.

Am I a puppet? Are all children puppets for their parents? aren't they individuals? Are children born only to fulfill the desires of their parents?

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18 May
Dr. Ibrahim Abunada

Doctors Answer

May 18, 2016 12:28 PM

Dear user, Thank you very much for sharing us with your private and personal details. I can understand from your elaborated description that you passed and feel very badly as a result of your mother's behaviors and reactions toward you during your childhood and adolescent period.

Anyway, I can agree with you to a certain limit that your mother was tough with you and this thing has its negative imdpact on you so far. But at the same time, I would like to reassure you that your mother behaved exactly as most of the mothers do in this world

She wanted you to grow up and achieve wonderful life. Nowadays, you are married with the man you have chosen by yourself, living with your husband at your private home, practicing your life exactly as you want, your mother is not intervening in your life or bothering you anymore.

Therefore, I strongly recommend you to use the following steps: Try your best to live your present moments and present time as much as you can. Try your best to overcome the difficulties you encountered during your childhood period. Try your best to forgive your mother's behaviors and focus on positive memories. Try to help you understand your mother's reasons to deal with you in that way. Try and try to proceed forward in your life with your husband. Try to look for productive means to achieve goals to use your time and life events in the most appropriate way. Avoid any kind of revenge or humiliation to your mother. Try not to talk with her about the past to decline any guilt feeling which might have adverse effects on her. I wish you would take the wise decision to overcome any flashback for any bad memories in the future. Take care.