Hello! I have a big problem! I am 24, I am depressed underneath probably since the age of 8-9! But I don't feel it! I'm numb! I repress my emotion with logic! Or I keep it for me. I found out lately my layer of depression that's hidden deep in my body by smoking weed (thankfully!)! It's always been there, I just never wanted to feel it because I wanted to enjoy my life but I did in the wrong way! By avoiding feelings! On the other side I have been studying on my own personality, psyhcology and spirituality to understand myself, my problem and solve them by myself. I always knew that something was wrong. But I had a terrible father who avoided talking about feelings or did it in the wrong way and always scared me to open up. I was also a terrible son, but that's not the problem right now. The fact that I have been studying all those things makes me really stupid I belive. I was always scared to talk about my problems since the early age so I just closed up. I have a mask therefore, I make people believe that I'm okey. I make them laugh, I am the cool guy. Girls look at me till it's the moment for me to open up. I can conquer them, still by faking.Then I run away and seek safety in my mind.
I was able to feel anxiety and stress last year. Now I repress it in order to show people that I'm okey.
I practice meditation at home, but when the moment comes to really feel and let go of thinking I don't allow it to happed because I know what's inside.
Accepting and surrendering it's for me a logical process rather then emotional.
I hated my father up to two years ago. I said to myself: Accept and forgive. I just hid it and faked that I got over it.
I want to get angry, feel my anxiety and anger again!
I had always avoided relationship with girls! I felt like I didn't want to connect with anyone bacuse I was on my way to get away from this place and so I better didn't fall in love.
The first time i found my depression I was with my last girlfriend last year and I started going to the psyhcologist but she wanted to leave me after a while because I was cleary not ready for a relationship (I didn't love her, when I opened up I felt my depression. She became more of a friend rather than a lover. I also had sexual problems with her). But then I said that I solved my problems: So I just faked that I changed. I'm also a coward then. It's like I care more about showing people that I'm okey rather than being happy and enjoying my girl and life. We broke up after a while cleary. That just left me with some physical pain and more thoughts. I began reading seduction community books to get another girl, rather then solving my problem.
Then I numbed myself even more in order to avoid feeling shame and failure. I had sex with some other girls and with one it was really good! Made me feel masculine. And I had some very powerful orgasms!
I am a pretty good actor but I'm lying to people. I'm also lying to myself. I have to finish this year of university. I can carry on...It's just that you know...This is not living! I can't stay in my mind forever! I opened up lately, with my brother, my friends my mother. I know my problems. I always had them but I solved them in alchool when I was 15 years old. And then I had been trying to solve them with logic and knowledge. But this numbness and thinking it's awlays been my world so I though that was just the way I was. That's life, so let's go on like that. What do I do now?
I'm afraid that if I allow my depression to be, I will fall deeply into it, I will leave school and fail again and fall into a deep void in which I won't be able to start over.
I'm afraid that my father will feel shame about me and complain again with other people about me and I will have problems at home, but who gives a f*uck about that, I care more about my dreams of becoming a scientist and living a life of financial freedom, finding a good girl as long as I'm real (not in my head) and enjoy that life and especially that my little brother doesn't grow up like I did: This is my motivation, but it's more logical than emotional).
I am ashamed of how my father acts. I'm just trying to accept him but I want to get away from him.
About my father (now I'm just updating whatever comes up in my mind lol...but I think it's helpful and kind of helps me to feel a little better). I had a terrible father as well. He doesn't love my mother. He had a plan for a life. He wanted his wife to be in a certain way and their sons as well. Things got out of control. He isn't happy. He insulted my mother many times. He did the same with me in front of family, relatives and strangers. We know that things in family are bad, but we are pretending everything is okey. He is calm now, I'm just waiting for the next time he explodes. Last time we had a fight, I was gonna call the police but we solved the things. He's like a little child, he wants attention (I sometimes follow this pattern too unfortunately) He likes to show people that we are a good family. He's looking for approval from his father I believe.
Yesterday I talked to my mother again about my problems and I told her that sometimes I smoke weed and that allowed me to discover my real emotions. The answer was: oh my god why do you do that??? If your father finds out he will kick you. (I'm stronger than my father, I did a lot of fighiting when I was younger I'm not scared of fighting, that's just not the way you solve things).
Still when my mother told me that my reactions was: Oh boy...really? I'm talking to you about my problems and now you bring up the fact that my father might get angry again. They don't understand...They don't know how to talk about feelings, and its hard for me too.
I have self-esteem issues. Anyway people walk over me. Because I can't get angry. I feel it sometimes but I just repress it. I'm just hiding everything but I want to become strong, real, powerful, a real man!. I want to feel my anger as motivation! This is definitely a bad mental desease. What am I supposed to do?
I think I'm done updating. Any advice is welcome. Thank you!