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I cannot accept the death of my husband. What can I do?

08 Nov
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User's Question

I am totally shattered with my husband's demise on the 8th of October. I have spent 26 years with him, and there has not been any task which I ever did alone. He was my friend, my moral support, and everything that I can name. This is not ok for me. I try to put up a strong face, but again I start crying at times, i don't want to let go of his memories, I want to feel he is around me, but I can't really communicate, it is really difficult, I feel like I am dying every moment. What do I do?

08 Nov
Dr. Ibrahim Abunada

Doctors Answer

Nov 08, 2016 11:09 AM

Dear User, No doubt that you are passing grief feeling these days, particularly your husband has decided few weeks ago. As you know grief is a strong feeling of sadnessusually because someone has died, to which a bond affection was formed. Grief is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when something or someone the individual loves is taken away. The grief associated with death is familiar to most people, but individuals grieve in connection with a variety of losses throughout their lives, such as unemployment, ill health or the end of a relationship. Loss can be categorized as either physical or abstract, the physical loss being related to something that the individual can touch or measure, such as losing a spouse through death, while other types of loss are abstract, and relate to aspects of a person’s social interactions. Crying is a normal and natural part of grieving. It has also been found, however, that crying and talking about the loss is not the only healthy response and, if forced or excessive, can be harmful. Responses or actions in the affected person, called "coping ugly". Experts generally accept that there are four stages of bereavement: 

  • accepting that your loss is real
  • experiencing the pain of grief
  • adjusting to life without the person who has died 
  • putting less emotional energy into grieving and putting it into something new (in other words, moving on)

You'll probably go through all these stages, but you won’t necessarily move smoothly from one to the next. Your grief might feel chaotic and out of control, but these feelings will eventually become less intense. Give yourself time, as they will pass. You might feel:

  • shock and numbness (this is usually the first reaction to the death, and people often speak of being in a daze)
  • overwhelming sadness, with lots of crying
  • tiredness or exhaustion
  • anger, for example towards the person who died, their illness or God
  • guilt, for example guilt about feeling angry, about something you said or didn’t say, or about not being able to stop your loved one dying
  • Coping with grief
  • Talking and sharing your feelings with someone can help. Don’t go through this alone. For some people, relying on family and friends is the best way to cope.

Accepting that your loss really happened

Experiencing the pain that comes with grief

Grief is the agony you feel inside when you realize that you have lost somebody. Grief is complex. It comes in a million different forms - some people cry for days, some people get angry and lash out, other people withdraw from the world and grieve in their own private way.

Different emotions associated with grief include:

  • sorrow
  • longing (to see them again)
  • guilt
  • numbness
  • anger
  • hopelessness
  • loneliness

What you feel after a person has died will depend on the relationship you had with that person and the nature of their death. Of course, there is no telling what form your grief will take, and everyone's experience is unique. As painful as it feels, it is important to let yourself grieve for your loss. Some people lock their emotions inside and try to get on with life as usual. Denying yourself the time to grieve properly could result in complications that prevent you from getting on with life.

Trying to adjust to life without them once you have accepted your loss and spent time understanding and releasing your emotions, you may eventually find yourself adjusting to a new kind of life. How you cope with this stage will again depend on what kind of relationship you had with the person who died. If you shared your daily life with them, then the changes to your life are likely to be bigger than if you only saw that person once in a while. When a big gap opens up in your life very suddenly, it can throw everything into complete turmoil. Suddenly, everything can seem different. You may even feel like you've shifted into a different dimension, where nothing is real. The realization that everyday life goes on even though your own life has been ripped apart can feel like a massive blow. With time however, your feet will hit solid ground again and you will start to adjust to life without them.

Moving on

One day you will probably get to a point where life begins to take you on a new route. You may always remember the person who died, and you may continue to grieve for their loss forever - but naturally you will begin to 'move on'. This is not a bad thing. It does not mean you are heartless, or that you are somehow being a traitor to your loved one. It simply means you have found a way to channel your emotions into new things. In other words - you have found a way to cope. In addition to the above mentioned points I am strongly recommend you to try your best to be active in your surrounding society, sharing them with your strong and active social events. Try to find some trustworthy people around you to talk with them about your difficulties. If you tried these things and you feel the need for further instructions you can consult an online therapist for further assistance. Take Care

 

 

 

 

 

08 Nov
Pooja Sarkar

Doctors Answer

Nov 08, 2016 02:30 PM

Hi User,

Its very sorry to hear about his demise. This is one of the bitter truths we have in our life, its not easy for you to forget him. I want to know onething why you want to forget him, when you want to remember him,miss him, you keep on do that. Its not harmful. Its very natural to remember your partner. May I know with whom you are staying now? if you want to cry sometimes ,cry then. No one is going to stop you. But sometimes if you thing it hurts you more than you can tolerate, then say stop to yourself, like set a specific time for remembering him. Condition with yourself that this specific time only you have to think about him. I don't know what are you do currently? Do what you likes to do. Stay fine. Change is always constant. we have to accept it. Waiting for your revert.