From past few years, I've been going through some crazy moods. Some days were worse than others, and sometimes a certain problem would suck the life out of me. Even the minor problems started setting me off. I gave up a relationship of one year for no particular reason. I would get into moods where I felt empty and sad for no obvious reasons, and it started impacting all of my relationships. I'm now left with just one friend and my parents, though neither of them have any idea how I feel. I have resorted to cutting myself on a few different occassions, and my feelings of worthlessness and hatred for myself have grown over the years. I doubt my abilities. I started to hate my appearance, in particular how skinny and small I was. Poor self esteem really affected my ability to find friends, talk to people, or enjoy myself in public. I never really went out with friends or went to public events. I stayed in my room and isolated myself from others. School, personal care, eating, even video games started to bore me. I was really disconnected from reality. I started to hate other people and my highschool. These feelings have eased at times, but can rush back with intensity any moment. I felt so lost and alone, but I was too afraid to end my life (which made me feel worse). I've only been out for a year or so.
With that part story, let me explain my current situation. I dropped out of university and forfeited my scholarships despite the friends I reconnected with. I didn't see the point. I've only left my house around 3 times in several months, 2 of which were for dentist appointments. I eat, sleep, socialize, and live in my bedroom every day of the week with the lights turned off and my curtains spread. Social media is gone. I stopped exercising. I eat very less. I usually sleep all day and just get on the internet at night to pass time, but overall I feel defeated and not able to do anything important. I think about dying and suicide every other day, and I don't miss on any opportunity to drink alcohol. I've tried to talk to old friends and pushing myself to be more social and involved, but I failed. I have ditched several projects and careers for no reason other than I get bored and lack the motivation or drive to do or be anything. I keep pushing myself to like things or do things, but I really don't think I really feel anything anymore.
The symptoms fit depression. Lack of pleasure from anything, oversleeping, social isolation, reduced apetite, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, emptiness and failure, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, the usual. In the past I've also suspected I was bipolar or had an anxiety disorder. At the same time, I feel I am just being over dramatic and looking for reasons to be unhappy and lazy. I've avoided, and continue to, accept that I might have a mental problem. My personality and "pride" prevent me from speaking to my parents or getting help. I am a college dropout who lives at home, an unemployed, so the financial burden is also a problem for my parents. I'm at a dangerous low, and I suppose at the least I just needed to open up to strangers whom I would never meet. Any advice would be appreciated, but I don't really see a positive outcome. I'm critical of medication and therapy, and my personality prevents me from getting help. Am I lost cause?