parenting

02 Sep
Name Confidential

Recently, a friend of mine said her mom had read some of her chats between her and her friends and boy friend etc from an old phone. Her mom found out about her drinking and being physical with her boy friend. The boy friend is a good guy but her mom fears that she now hates him for everything. The main point is that she feels terribly disappointed with her daughter, but the only reason she lied before and was not too open was that she was scared of how her mom would react to all of this. And even though she felt like she should, somehow she was scared about how she would not understand that times have changed. I have explained to her how her mom must have felt because she feels betrayed, but I somehow think, maybe parents, in general, should now start being more open to this idea, and actually initiate the talks and allow them to be open instead of suppressing them? How should parents start dealing with all of these things, apart from saying they are "disappointed". As saying that they are disappointed is not going to change the reality, and how can they as parents get over something like this?

Responses 6

  • Sanjna Verma
    Sanjna Verma   Sep 05, 2017 09:47 PM

    Hey there. I can understand your concern and yes, as we are progressing towards a liberal mindset, it is nothing but obvious that such restrictions will come up. In our country, having sexual and intimate relationship is something which should be done after the marriage. These rules are more rigid in case of girls, patriarchal norms you know. So you can say that here, the parents are disappointed by this very fact that they are not abiding by the rules of our culture and society and they fear what will the others think about it. People hear are very scared of what others think about them, I reckon! This is where all the problem lies.

    The change of perspective will take time, even a generation as well. It is because the parents have been unquestionably abiding by them and have accepted that yes, this is the right thing. It also depends on how much they want to change and look differently towards things. If it odes not happen, I doubt whether they can change easily or not.

     

  • Name Confidential
    Anonymous   Sep 05, 2017 01:57 PM

    Hi there! 

    Yes, totally agreed. Parents must become more open when it comes to initiating all these talks. If they don't then the child will always suppress these conversation as a result of which they might resort to practices to hide their behaviour. This might get them in danger. Parents maybe able to help the child do things in a better way. Their wisdom might help the child make better decision about romantic partners. In this generation, its very common for people to judge the person as good and not see their real personality. It's said that parents know which friend is good or bad much before the child knows. Therefore it's important that parents become active participants of their children's life. 

    Incase parents get disappointed of a child's decision, they shouldn't be brutally honest about it. Otherwise the child may start hiding things from next time. Like you said what's done is done, reality can't be changed but future can be improved. If the parents know what mistake their child made then they can teach him and prepare him for the next time. We all learn from mistakes afterall. 

  • Ayushi Jolly
    Ayushi Jolly   Sep 05, 2017 12:02 AM
    Hey there! I hope you are doing well. I can totally understand what you are trying to explain this is it is a common problem that is being faced by our generation in general. We all have at least once if not more faced problems of our parents mentality. I totally agree that it is high time for them to narrow down this generation gap and start thinking about things from our perspective as well. Because it is always better to think I think and look at things from more than one perspective. However I would not blame your friends mum entirely based on your friend situation specifically. It was right on her part to be disappointed and maybe get this heart and from what her daughter had done. Problem here is not the behaviour of the child but the Indian context and the Indian mentality that has been president with going around with somebody or sleeping out with somebody. It is still considered extremely in appropriate to even talk to boys. The wrong that your friends mum has done here is to use search words in front of her daughter I agree that she would have been extremely disheartened but she should also have try to understand what her daughter has been through and must have been supportive about it. Before passing on any judgement she should have made her daughters shit and also the to narrate the entire story on what really went wrong and how did all this happen. Problem here are the ideologies our parents have fixed inside us and they are sl dominant in their personality that if the child has got a little distracted they think that there's a parenting has failed and they have failed as parents which is absolutely unacceptable. They should know that there are times and all times a different and things have to be flexible according to generations. Experience it is the responsibility to ensure I did child is in safe hands and is on the right path but that does not mean that they have the right to dominate the child's life. They must be expressive about their opinions and emotions but they should also consider the child's point of you and must not read the child as an infant all the time. The best solution is to let the child go out in the world and let the child explore the world herself or himself and then make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. And as parents they can ensure that they are always there for the child and thereby the child will be more mature and confident than in any other situation.
  • Minaish Dhabhar
    Minaish Dhabhar   Sep 03, 2017 07:47 AM

    Hi there,

    So I think you've actually answered that question yourself. I agree, like you said, parents should start being more open to the idea. However, by idea, I don't mean the idea of having boyfriends or drinking but I mean the idea of their children having opinions (valid ones) and discussing them openly with their children. 

    I think it's very important for parents to build the kind of relationship in which their children do not fear them but respect them, and in which two-way discussions and exchanges are allowed. This is known as the authoritative style of parenting and has been found, time and again, to be the most suitable. 

    Meanwhile, here in India especially, parents have certain demands of their children. These demands are mostly academic and some social but the parents focus on these demands so much that somewhere, the important exchanges that form the foundations of a good, honest parent-child relationship. This then leads to a lack of mutual understanding between the parent and the child which further leads to the miscommunication, lying, etc. It is nobody's fault but parents have got to recondition the way they think and generation by generation, an improvement will be seen. 

  • Name Confidential
    Anonymous   Sep 02, 2017 11:51 PM

    Hey,

    In our society there are many parents who aren't in favour of getting into a relationship at a young age. Some parents are not in favour of having friends of the opposite sex too. It is difficult to remove this conservativeness. It is the elders themselves can do so. Children don't open up to their parents because they fear that they will not understand and will restrict them of doing that. This is caused due to rigidity of the parents and lack of open communication which leads to mistrust. Best parenting is when parents be their children's friend focus on them regurly and understand what are their views and what they want and give them their freedom accordingl. Parents do have to make an effort of opening up to children and listen to their wants, views, etc without any preconceived notion and judgement. This is a difficult task for them too as their has been a lot of changes in the society and environment since their time. Everyone should avoid rigidity and bend themsleves according to the time. Everyone has to keep learning and changing to live effectively with their surroundings or else in parent-child relationship generation gap will lead to issues. Understand the mindset of the child, understand the modern society, take decisions accordingly. 

  • Priya Parwani
    Priya Parwani   Sep 02, 2017 11:16 PM

    Hello.

    Hope you doing well. I can completely understand this situation. Indian parents are very conservative especially when the thing revolves around boyfriend and girlfriend. You are correct that parents have to be open up as time is changing and it's their duty to change their rigid thoughts regarding this. In India, still having a boyfriend is not accepted everywhere which ultimately force the child to hide the thing. I am not in favour of hiding things from parents, it's just that parents should talk to their child regarding relationship stuff, so that the child feel  comfortable and tell all the things about his life.

    Parents should start talking to their child about every topic and should aware them about the bad aspect of anything. The more parents will treat their child like friend, the more strong bond will become and the child will not hide anything. In this case, there is no one's fault, it's just the after effect of our rigid thinking and not pacing up the world. This needs to be changed and efforts should be there from both. Parents should widen up their thoughts and the child should have the courage to tell everything to his parents.

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