Relationships and Friendships

03 Sep
Heena Sheth

Hello everyone! So one my friend is really confused and I am unable to help her in this situation. She has boyfriend and is in a healthy and stable relationship with him. However, there is another guy who really likes her a lot and she knows this too. However, things get a bit complicated everytime this friend goes clubbing and gets drunk. What follows is a series of voice notes and messages from him expressing his love for my friend. The guy understands that my friend is in a relationship and doesn't seem to be causing any problem in the relationship, but my friend really values his friendship too and is really clueless about handling the situation. Any ideas or suggestions on how to go about dealing with this situation?

Responses 4

  • Minaish Dhabhar
    Minaish Dhabhar   Sep 07, 2017 10:44 AM

    Hi there, 

    This situation is more common than you think. 

    Honestly, I don't think it's about her having to choose between her relationship and friendship - the two are a little indepenent. Encourage her to continue the relationship without letting the friendship affect it, but encourage her to deal with the friendship simultaneously. 

    Now, in terms of the friendship. I know she wants to maintain it and that's fully understandable, but to maintain it, I think she may have to create a little bit of distance first. That may not be ideal but considering things from the boy's point of view as well, it may be a little easier for him to move on if she's not right there all the time. This is both physically, and in terms of their closeness. Just a little bit- don't ask her to stop talking to him completely. Just give him some space to make his own decisions, etc. 

    Also, if this is something really bothering her, I hope she's spoken to him about being careful about this while he drinks? Or that it bothers her? Just be honest with him, but be sensitive about it too. 

    I know it may not seem like there are many solutions but the situation will improve with time. 

    Good luck.

  • Upasana Sengupta
    Upasana Sengupta   Sep 07, 2017 09:34 AM

    Hi! 

    I can very well understand your concerns about your friend. But your role, here, basically is just to support your friend and help her come to a decision.

    You need to understand that she has to deal with the extremities of  relationship and friendship. If this guy, genuinely understands that she is in a relationship and is happy with her man, she should also respect his feelings. Never undermine or ignore his feelings or requests. It is not his fault that he ended up having a crush. May be, he is also trying his best to keep his friendship goals as his priority. The worst thing people do is suggest not to meet or talk to that guy. This may worsen the situation.  

    I would suggest let your friend talk and explain him how happy she is in this relationship and also how much she treasures him as a friend. Those drunk calls will be annoying but dont respond or react to them. As said, in a previous response, alcohol doesnt make you honest just confident. 

    Lastly, her boyfriend must know all the history and geography of the case. It would be unfair on his part. But, such a situation might arise that he becomes possessive and aggressive and have doubts why does your friend have to entertain that guy at all. But every relationship is made of honesty and understanding. You need to be honest and he needs to be understanding. Take your time and explain him of both her priorities. But you and your friend should choose the time wisely.

    Give it some time, the situation will ease soon. But remember you need to be firm in your decisions and not give dual answers.

    I hope you and your friend deal with the problem well and everything goes right.

  • Name Confidential
    Anonymous   Sep 05, 2017 08:56 AM

    Hi there! 

    Alcohol has a negative effect on the people who is consuming it. It's not harmful to him but also to people around him. 

    Its often said that people are honest when they are drunk. I don't think so. They are just confident. They lose all inhibition and act on their impulsivity. 

    This guy keeps on expressing his feelings towards your friend when drunk because that's the only outlet. He can't express this to her when he is sober because he knows it is wrong. He knows it's not right to force your friend into anything. He values the friendship as well. However, everytime he is drunk, it becomes a problem. Either he needs to control on his drinking or the people who he hangs out with while drinking need to make sure that he doesn't use his phone. There are many apps which lock your phone when you are drunk, to avoid texting or calling someone you shouldn't have. Maybe he can do that. 

    In the end, it will help him only if he accepts the fact that there is nothing to be done. He needs to move on and maybe start dating new people. 

  • Ayushi Jolly
    Ayushi Jolly   Sep 04, 2017 11:54 PM
    Hey there! I hope you are doing well. I can totally understand what it is like to get stuck in such a situation when on one side there is a relationship and on the other side it is about a friendship. The best advice that I can give you right now is to really there way and not intervene being a third person here. Your friend who is in already a relationship knows about this other guy and still has been talking to him so that indicates that she is interested in the boy and it is not that the boy is hiding his feelings he has been pretty vocal about how much he likes and still she wants to talk to him and still wants to stay in contact by her choice then you must not stop either of them in interacting. The most important thing that you can do right now is actually ask her if her boyfriend knows about all this because it will be really heart breaking for him if he comes to know about all this and this might really affect their relationship. If he knows then you must try to know what is perspective is to this entire thing. What you can do there's also that you can talk to the guy who has crush on your friend and explain to him how much he is ruining things. It could have been that he has been clinging to false hope that your friend might break up and she might get together with him. You must try to bring him out of this delusion. It is nice to know that the guy does not want to be a problem in the relationship of your friend. Also it is important for your friend to know that it is not friendship with the guy is interested in ur has been following he has always been interested in your friend and as always wanted to date her. You can ask for resolution from this guy and your friend and her boyfriend and actually generalize and Do What U had really says but only after listening to everybody's point of view.