During college I experienced a lot of issues that teenagers usally face. I didn't like the way I looked which affected my confidence and self-esteem. It took me sometime but once I started working I felt much better. I knew that once I do my work, people will recognize me for that and not for the way I look.
I worked for a couple of years and then I decided to leave that job to try something new. I don't regret that decision but that new job shattered this confidence that I had built gradually through the years. The office was not being managed well and a lot of people left the company. In spite of that I tried my best to do what I could. My manager suddenly became very mean. He stopped communicating with me and chose to complain about me without even discussing anything with me. I tried talking to him to understand the problem but all I got was silence. I spoke to some colleagues about it and they told me that everything willl be fine soon. But soon even they could see the way I was being treated. I realized that leaving this place soon would be sensible.
I always to go with my instincts but I was feeling low so I just did what I was told. That was a big mistake. I feared that I'll be blamed for nothing and that's exactly what happened. I was told that I was incompetent and was asked to leave. But I didn't go silently. I shared everything in front the HR and my manager. But they obviously didn't accept their mistakes. I finally spoke to the owner of the company who asked me to join back and apologized. But I refused. This happened because of one person and a company that wanted me gone as they had found a cheaper alternative. They decided to increase the workload of other employees. I realized this later but until then I kept blaming myself for losing the job.
I know I was not at fault but the fear of not being able to cope with anxiety or confronting such mean people is still in me. I couldn't apply for a job anywhere because of this fear. I had to stay at home because I have a strict father who doesn't like me meeting my friends. This made things worse. I helped my mother with her small business that she runs from home. I started feeling better. I didn't earn anything but the work made me feel good. I thought I could continue doing this until I feel better. I started applying for jobs again but my anxiety has become worse than ever. I get scared of many things. Not getting a job, being emotionally blackmailed by my father to get married soon, being lonely, etc. All these fears make me so anxious that I sometimes shiver, have shortness of breath, a lump in my throat and an upset stomach. I try to relax or try to think of something happy. It works sometimes but not always. My family thought I was just being lazy and was looking for excuses because I would try to act normal initially. But mother sensed there was a problem. I talk to her more about it.
It has been a while now since that happened. I have been trying very hard to get a job in the last few months but I still haven't found the suitable one for genuine reasons. But I'm anxious that I might have a bad experience even if I find a the right job. The anxiety is also because my father is in a hurry to get me married. He knows I don't want to but he is just waiting for me to get a job so that he can go ahead with it. I have tried speaking to him many times but he doesn't listen. It's like a one-way communication. He's a good person but he's also old-school and narrow-minded.
The unemployment and my father's anger has made me very low. The lowest I've ever been. I was diagnosed with a hyper-thyroid problem and was told it's because of stress and weight issues. I also started eating at odd hours apart from the usual 3 meals because I couldn't sleep early. I know that I'll manage to get a job soon but I can't change the way my father thinks. So I guess it's best to learn how I can cope with this stress and anxiety. I want to be positive and believe that things will work out. I don't know if I can go see a counsellor because my father is scared of what people might think. I don't mind trying it but I'm not sure if I'll be comfortable talking to stranger so I decided to try here. I hope I can get some help.