There is no cause for grief, but I am not happy. What do I do?

18 Jun
Name Confidential

I am currently residing out of India with my husband; we have regular video interaction with my in laws in Delhi. If I get to hear the conversations, there will always be something which I do not agree with, or I feel quite bad about. I generally can't ignore things, so I propose a discussion on the issue that I am worried about, and soon there will be an argument with my husband regarding the things. Sometimes arguments also take place regarding other household issues.

In general, We both are satisfied here, we both have peace of mind, comfort and happiness in this country, we have our own life, but I can observe that whenever some other people enter into our self-created space, and we start thinking too much about their opinions and words, these arguments start up.

For e.g. last day, I got a ear-top for myself, I showed it to my in-laws, they said "yes very good, of course it is a good buy", but immediately afterwards, my mother-in-law said, "I need something here in the flat, a wooden showcase need to be built, storage required, I have been thinking on it for long", this was not the first time; last time when we were discussing about buying a phone for my husband's aunt, my mother-in-law said "I needed a good phone too for xyz reason", I know very well, she hardly knows how to receive a phone, and any smart phone is useless in our home; similarly I felt  creating a wooden showcase in a limited space is not equired when storage is already being done accomodatively; so I was upset; why she had to say this today? when I was showing my top? Couldn't this issue be raised later if actually required? My husband asked me, why I was upset. (we are almost always honest with each other) so I said what was going on in my mind; and there was another argument. He felt I was unnecessarily relating things, and remodelling of the house can be done  with a showcase, if wanted by my in-laws,(whether necessary or not) because he can afford it. I didn't like the perspective and tone, and there was an argument, which just left me and him upset.

It might be in-laws, or some neighbours......the problems generaly arise out of others. My concern is, these issues are coming up frequently, small small things, and I fear, I will slowly become a tantrum and a nag for my husband, he seems to be tired of my speaking on arguments; this is harmful for our relationship. Even I am depressed many a times, for no apparent reason, just useless things these are...but they become important subjects when taken notice of...How can I feel happy? What can I do to avoid such arguments. Even if I do not discuss on issues which bother me, will I be happy from within? will I be contented?

Responses 1

  • Dr. Ibrahim Abunada
    Dr. Ibrahim Abunada   Jun 18, 2016 08:52 PM
    Dear User, from the details and examples you provide it seems that you should work on your thought and your emotions. You seem insight that you have a problem in your personal characteristics, but you need somebody to guide you how to overcome this situation. I strongly recommend you for the following steps. Don’t maximize every simple problem you encounter with the people around you. Try to give justifications for the words and behaviors of others, I suggest this also for your husband. Try to support each other when there is a stressful situation. Avoid arguing in front of other persons, keep this just between both of you in your bedroom. Try to practice some other constructive ways of communication, e.g.  Listen carefully to each other without loud voice, don’t talk when you tired or exhausted, don’t underestimate your common and mutual happy life events, ignorance of simple problems. Try your best to expend lovely time outside the home with your family members. Try to find mutual interesting events to share with each other and with people around you. Don’t postpone any urgent issue to avoid misinterpretations. Try both of you to avoid from anybody from intervening in your life and your personal decision. If you feel that you need more instruction you can consult an online therapist for more help. Take Care