===This story posted by a girl touched my heart, sharing it with all of you===
When you are afraid to die the first things that go through your mind are the things you will never see again. Your family, your friends, your pets.
You think of all the things in the world that will never come to you again. Watching sunsets, wishing on stars in the night time sky. What it feels like to be hugged, the first time it snows in winter, the taste of your favorite food, and knowing what it feels like to really, truly be safe.
You see, I don't know what it's like to feel totally safe anymore. I've had a lot of physical health problems and a really bad cancer scare a while back. For now I'm doing a little better but I'm not completely out of the woods yet.
Some people think you are stupid for pouring out your heart about your problems online but you know what? Sometimes when your all alone and have no other option you really don't have anywhere else to go. And holding something inside you with no one to talk about it with can do so much damage.
I have my parents and they are wonderful but I need friends. Desperately.
Where I live, to me in my heart is the most beautiful place in the world. Way out in the country far away from the lights of the city, away back in the mountains of darjeelings. It is so quiet here you can hear the leaves of the trees softly shake when the wind blows. When I was a little girl my grandfather showed me a difrent types of tree. I will always remember the way the beautiful branches and leaves of the tree bent downward almost touching the ground and swayed on even the slightest breath of air. He told me if I listened hard enough when the wind the wind blows the tree makes a soft sound like crying. Till this day I still listen...
In the summer the nights are lit up with the glow of thousands of green flickering lights of the fireflies and the days when the sun shines on fields of orange , white and purple wildflowers the wind makes the grasses blow gently back and forth and mimic the waves on the ocean.
Water flows over rocks in the creeks, deer and rabbits run right through my front yard as if they own it and at night the sound of the coyotes and owls ring out through the hills. In a way it's almost like heaven.
There is only one thing missing. Friends: My parents are the best thing I could ask for. But as much as I love them I still need friends. Everyone does.
I think if someone tells me "your not trying hard enough " I will freaking scream. Because it's not about that. Where I live is a dead end town , there isn't many here and like I said before I live way out in the countryside ... so the closest thing IS the dead end town.
I tried what so many people advise against ... and that is making friends online. But that only turned out to be nothing short of a nightmare for me. At first I thought I found really nice people ... but all they did was end up scaring the hell out of me. When I started questioning their honesty " because I began to suspect they weren't really who they claimed to be " all they did was get nasty with me. They pretty much treated me like dirt. They didn't care how much they scared me , they didn't care how worried I was.
I don't think it's possible to feel more alone than I do right now. Because of my " physical " problems I can never have kids. I don't know what is worse the fact that I will spend the rest of my life watching everyone else have something so wonderful ... or the fact that I may not even live to grow old. How much can life take away from you without it hurting you so much you lose your mind ??
I've thought of suicide. I've come close many times. One thing that keeps me holding on is my rescue pets.
One thing about living in the country is there is always the chance of stupid people throwing out unwanted pets. And where I live is a dumping ground for unwanted cats. I've seen so many starving sick , abused animals that I've lost count.
You always hear people make smart ass comments about " crazy cat lady" ... well, I tell you what... animals are more loyal than people.
I wish I could post pictures of them on here but I have no idea how to do it. I tried looking up on how you upload pictures on this site but the directions are so complicated I got lost and just gave up.
Sometimes when I feel lonely late I night I will sit out under the stars and hold one of my rescue cats. I'll hold it so close I can feel its heartbeat next to mine and I think about how life has brought us together.
I think a lot about God. There is a quote I once heard that goes ..
"Making a million friends is not a miracle
A miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you
When millions are against you."
I don't know who wrote it. But I wonder when is God going to make that miracle for me ??? How long do I have to keep hurting ? How much longer do I have to be so alone ??
I am so afraid of dying in more ways than one. In the physical sense. And in my heart too.