My girl best friend broke up the friendship and doesn't want to have it anymore. I am Broken. What should I do?

22 May
Name Confidential

I am 22 year old male. There was this girl who was very close to me and we literally used to share a lot of things.She was always afraid of losing me and always use to say she will never leave me no matter what.She was in love with her another bestfriend and i supported her and told her to tell him how she feels. She did but both of them didnt wanted a commitment so they reamined as it is but my friend began growing obsessive for him. She used to hangout with her crush and 2 of his friends which were also apprantely her bestfriends as she said. It was going all ok. But then as i thought she was very obsessive about the guy i started hating that situation. She began doing a lot of small mistakes due to her negligence towards other things. All she wanted was him and to hangout with him. I began scolding her and explaining her to avoid these for her good. In meanwhile i started falling for her. Whenever i used to scold her i didnt use to feel good and always used to ask her what if she leaves me to which she used to say she will never leave me. She used to share each and every details of her life. And one fine day after i accidently logged into her FB account i found something very disturbing,something which i never thought my friend will do.She commited a very big mistake and that too for that guy. I scolder her a lot and told her i dont like whatever there is between her friend and her. She said she regrets her mistake and wanted me to stay. I was ok,but now she started talking less and used to tell that she is busy thats why. I got insecure as she was never busy for me and started worrying a lot. I asked her whats the problem but all she said was she is busy and started telling me that she is not liking how i am getting insecure about her. One fine day after a lot of senti calls and messages we met and i told her that i have feelings for her but I dont want any answer as i just wanted to get these feelings out of my heart as i wanted to be honest with her. I told her i dont expect anything and  love whatever realtionship we have. She said its okay and told me that everything will be fine and she needs a little bit of time. Our exams were approaching and again she started doing the same thing.She stopped talking to me.I asked her to meet me once after the exams to which she agreed and after a day she said she have made a plan to go for a movie with her crush and asked me if we can meet some other time. I got angry because now a days she was doing all these things. She was not giving me any priority and respect. I yelled a  lot to her and she said she got hurt and never expected this from me. After that she said now she is not comfortable with me and cant reciprocate in the same way. After a lot of messages and calls she said she doesn't want this frienship and wanted me to leave. I tried to save a lot. I apologised  a lot but all she wanted was to end this frienship. She surrounded her world around that one person and when i tried to correct her she kicked me out of her life. I am sad because how easy it was to let this friendship go when she promised she wont leave me no matter what. She blamed me for each and evrerything and now we are not even friends anymore. She seems to be happy after leaving me because she still have that guy to hangout with. She left me alone when i needed her the most. I am suffering a lot. I cry daily. I resist myself from sending her any message but its becoming very difficult. What should i do?

Responses 8

  • Devendra Patil
    Devendra Patil   May 25, 2017 09:42 AM

    Thank you Ms Pooja for your advice. I will surely try to focus on myself from now onwards.

  • Pooja Sarkar
    Pooja Sarkar   May 25, 2017 09:14 AM

    Hi,

    How are you? I can understand your present situation what you are feeling exactly. First of all one thing I cannot do for you that thing is I cant take your decision for your life as you asked me should you move on realizing that you both never be friends again? Its absolutely will be your choice what you want to do or whether you want to move or not? There is no should here. But change is the only permanent thing in our life, this phase also will be changed. As per your words, the other thing which you explained that she is busy with her crush and she is influenced by him. If it is happening, it will certainly be changed, self is most important for all of us. Her "self" will awake surely one time.You can only be her well wisher at now. Take care. Stay focused on your research.

     

    Thanks

    Pooja Sarkar

  • Devendra Patil
    Devendra Patil   May 24, 2017 11:02 AM

    Hello Ms Pooja Sarkar

    Thankyou for your suggestions. It's that we were very close and suddenly this bond broke so i was not able to cope up with that. Also as u suggested that i should give her time,i am doing that but i am afraid as she already as her crush and other friends with whom she spents her most of the time. So what if she replaces me in this time and never ever comes back? Because she seems happy nowadays. What i found was whenever i tried to correct her in which her crush was involved she drew me away.Seems like she isn't in her senses. I have talked to my friends about this and most of them told me to stay away and forget her but since i was emotionally connected to her and also fell for her its quite diffcult for me.And now after all this she has given a closure to not to talk and not to be friends anymore its driving me crazy daily and sometimes i am not able to focus on work. Its been a week since we have talked and havent send her any msg yet or trying to. I have just one question, after you have heard my story what do you think? Should i wait for her by giving her some time or should i move on realizing that we can never be friends again?

  • Pooja Sarkar
    Pooja Sarkar   May 24, 2017 09:13 AM

    Hello,

    It's really great to hear your passion and lifestyle. So you are doing such a big study currently,it needs concentration.

    I am really sorry to hear your story. But how long you are facing this trouble? As you asked that what should you do? Did you try anything to get rid out off this? As she is younger than you, she might not be as matured as you, so she broke up with you quickly. If you understand her, give her some time, this time is not actual help to her to understand and analyse how the situation is.

    Do your thoughts hamper your daily life work? If not, then just think about your good memories. Positive vibration works well though it takes time. Just try to convert your negative thoughts into positive. It's not easy to practice. But try. Example: she told you that she doesnt want to keep contact with you, replace the word doesn't by she wants some time to stay alone,as you both need this time. It always bring good thing. Write whatever you think ,whatever your question anywhere,try to answer those. see what answer you get. Let me know surely.

    Take care and stay fine.

    Warmly

    Pooja Sarkar

    Consultant Psychologist

     

     

     

     

  • Devendra Patil
    Devendra Patil   May 23, 2017 03:47 PM

    Hello Ms Pooja Sarkar

    I will try to answer your questions.

    1.How are you now?

    A. Broken I would say. I am really trying very hard to focus on my work but still i get back to the old memories and the fact that we are not friends anymore.It hurts.What hurts more is that i keep recalling the sentences which she said that she wont leave and she did the same thing. So yes i cry daily and I am not better as I could have been.

    2.what are you doing in present day?

    A. I am presently doing a Research internship at NTU Singapore. 

    3.Where you met first time before your friendship?

    A. We are in a same college and met during an event. We just knew each other that time,not very well. In summer 2016 we both were doing an internship and were working on the same project. So this is how our friendship grew and we became close.

     

    4.How old she is? You both are the same age?

    A. She is 20.But we are studying in the same year but different branches.

     

    5.What she is doing?

    A. She is studying in the same college,different branch. Right now she is also doing an internship in India.

     

    6.Do you have any siblings?

    A. Yes i have a brother and a sister both younger to me.

    7.With whom do you stay at your home?

    A. At my home I stay with my parents and siblings. But right now since I am in college i am staying in a hostel.

    8.Do you have other friends? Do you meet them now a days?

    A. Yes I have other friends. Yes i meet them.We hangout a lot. But mmy other friends group is not close to the girl so we dont hangout together(I mean both the friends circle are different).

     

    9.What's your passion? 

    A. Robotics. I like to build and automate stuffs. I am very found of new technologies and is always excited to work on them.

     

    10.If I tell you to describe yourself with 3 words,Which 3 you will choose?

    A. Straighttforward. Genuine. Emotional.

     

    11.If your friend choose 3words to describe you,which 3 they will choose?

    A. Hardworking. Supportive. kind hearted.

  • Pooja Sarkar
    Pooja Sarkar   May 23, 2017 08:08 AM

    Hello,

    How are you now? So what are you doing in present day? I read your question in details and some questions I need to know that.where you met first time before your friendship? How old she is? You both are the same age? What she is doing? Do you have any siblings? With whom do you stay at your home? Do you have other friends? Do you meet them now a days? What's your passion? 

    If I tell you to describe yourself with 3 words,Which 3 you will choose?

    If your friend choose 3words to describe you,which 3 they will choose?

    Please answer me back all these things then only I can suggest something fruitful.

    Stay fine

    Thanks

    Ms Pooja Sarkar

     

  • Swayamprava Pati
    Swayamprava Pati   May 23, 2017 08:40 AM

    Discussing and considering the reasons why it might have happened is often helpful: Reflection may help regain a sense of self, which may make it easier to move on. Relationships are a significant part of life, and it is generally necessary to acknowledge their importance and the pain and sadness that accompany their loss in order to move on. Focusing on self-care after a breakup may be helpful and ease the recovery process: eating well, getting sufficient sleep, staying active, avoiding potentially harmful behaviors such as excessive drinking or drug use, and accepting support and care from family and friends are all likely to benefit healing and improve one's outlook.

    Even a painful life event can lead to positive growth. A period of loneliness can be a time of growth and discovery.

    Accept your sadness and be kind to yourself. Do not put undue pressure on yourself. Take time off from work if necessary. During this mourning period, learn to accept that this person was put in your path for you both to learn and grow and remember the good things and value them. Buy books or attend workshops that support the idea of letting go and feeling good about yourself. Seek grief counselling if that feels right.

    Treat and indulge yourself. Indulging yourself from time to time is good for you — but it is particularly good to do when you are feeling emotionally unstable or vulnerable. Food might be the first treat that comes to mind, but be moderate — indulging in food may make you feel worse later. Allow your body to tell you what to eat. Think of the type of exercise you would most love to do and start doing it. Buy some aromatic bath oil, light loads of candles and soak in a warm bath for as long as you need as often as you need or read a great uplifting book.

    Ask yourself each day what you have to be grateful for. It is very healing to give thanks for all that is good and wonderful in our lives — a roof over your head, a job or friends and family that love you allows you to focus on what is possible and not on what is no longer.

    Make a list of all the things that are great about you and tell yourself those things. Say to yourself: “What I like about me is: …” Make a list of all the qualities a new partner will get when they come into your life and reread and add to them whenever you think of something else.

    Go on a personal development workshop that will boost your positive self image. You’ll also meet new people who are also trying to improve their lives and they are more likely to have positive attitudes.

    Surround yourself with people who give you hope rather than who drag you back into the past or drag you down. Avoid people who pat you on the back and say stuff like ‘oh how awful’ and seek out people who say things like ‘so, what’s next — what wonderful people are out there for you to meet’.

  • Sareeta Behera
    Sareeta Behera   May 24, 2017 09:50 PM

    It is certainly a painful experience to go through a break up. So, I can understand how you must be feeling. Life is all about developing and nurturing meaningful relationships. If you are feeling too low and helpless due to the break up, then it is high time to give yourself a second chance. Break up can happen due to any reason; may be an apparent misunderstanding, different mindset, compatibility challenges, life transitions, unstable emotions and virtually anything under the sun. So, rather than limping over the wounds and hurting yourself even more, try to logically think about the reason of it, what could have prevented it, and what should be your next step.

    Remember, one important thing…there are times when some relationships don’t work out well. If this has happened and you think it was due to an issue from your side, then try to work on that aspect of yours, enhance your own inner qualities and try yet again. If this had to do with your partner, then you can’t pull someone towards you to be yours always. Different people have their different mindsets and unique ways of dealing with this world. From what I can see with what you have shared is you have been trying to be with her in every way you could. You also went out of the box to apologize to her in order to keep the relationship intact. Though I cannot be judgemental towards you or her, I can say that sometimes some people can take inappropriate advantage of our innocence, emotions and sense of commitment.

    Since we are social being, we do require some companionship to make the journey of our life a bit easy and worthwhile. However, this should not happen at the stake of your integrity, well-being and right to your life with dignity. It is good to fall in love, but try to commit to someone who can genuinely share your life with you. Try to love, respect and accept yourself first before letting go off it for others’ negative behaviours or situational mishaps. Believe in yourself first, be your own strong support system and then reflect your love and commitment to someone who would genuinely love and respect you UNCONDITIONALLY. The society is filled with persons who are committed and who pick n chose and leave if things work as per their ideations. So, it is your call to take the right most decision for you, to work towards building a life and companionship that you truly deserve and that is free of conditions.

    So, try to build a positive insight regarding this. Friendships and relationships prosper and flourish only through mutual commitment, mutual respect and mutual understanding. If you can still work on this “mutual” aspect then go on, if you think it can happen with the person you are inclined to, then it will be more helpful for you to grab all your positive qualities, work on your strengths and give yourself a second chance. Life has a lot of positive modalities to lead with. If you think you need more help in dealing with your situation and overcoming your pains, then I can help you with more in-depth online counselling/therapy sessions. Awaiting your precious reply….

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