Dealing with abusive relationships

01 Jul
Megha Shah

Often we find our selfs in places that are not only hard to face but also hard to predict. We often come across relationships that start off really well but are seen to end up in flames as time passes. When being in a relationship that may not be the best kind it is difficult to manage our selfs and our feeling towards the person. How do we know that we are in a abusive relationship? How to deal with emotional turmoil in a toxic or abusive relationships? What are the ways to react towards our partners demeaning accusions and how to address the stress recieved ?

Responses 4

  • Rashmi Kalra
    Rashmi Kalra   Jul 02, 2017 04:28 PM

    The only way I find the best while tackling an abusive relationship is to get out if it. They aren't worth the pain. Period.

    It's not easy to leave everything, I know; because most of the times the victim/survivors are attached to the abuser emotionally and in the name of love, they take the beating. (Both mental and physical)

    In a country like ours, where kids are afraid of talking their heart out in front of their parents and women feel like their identity is their husband, society plays a major role. It doesn't let the woman leave her abusive husband, it doesn't let the kid to cross that barrier he has with his parents.

    I think we all have this insecurity of not finding a better person (in case your spouse is abusing you) We think like we can't get a better person and therefore this low self esteem doesn't let us get out of an abusive relationship. However, we forget how beautiful and peaceful are life is when there's no toxicity and everyone eventually falls into whoever's arms they are supposed to be in.

    Dealing with your partner/abuser isn't an easy task but take the step when it happens for the first time. Always remember that if he's done it once, he'll do it again. Abuser love the sense of control they possess on the victim. They are sadist by nature.

    Also, dealing with the emotional turmoil the victim goes through isn't easy to handle. I have someone very close to me who's had an abusive marriage but after the same thing happened for the third time, she ended the marriage. It takes time to get over all the dirt he's/she's made you feel but there's always hope when you decide to put yourself on the top of your priority list.

  • Divyanshi Garg
    Divyanshi Garg   Jul 02, 2017 03:20 PM

    There are certain signs of abusive relationships: No respect by the abusive partner, lack of trust, signs of infidelity, gaslighting, you feel like you are walking on eggshells, and others.

    There are many forms of abuse: emotional, physical, sexual, mental among others. If the person exhibits one form of abuse, sooner or later others will also appear.

    Abusers are generally takers and they target the kind natured, empathetic people who loves to give and care for other people around them. Initially behave in an affectionate way and after the victim is fully involved in the relationship, the relationship starts to go downhill as there abusive and toxic patterns emerge. The victim is made to believe that he/she is responsible for any turmoil in the relationship.

    There is no solution the change the dynamic of the relationship as the abuser rarely change themselves. People with personality disorders or bad childhood events generally become abusers in later stages of their lives.

    The only way to deal with the relationship is to just simple break all form of contact, real or virtual and just walk away. The abuser might show as if they have changed and will try to win back the confidence of the victim, only to start the vicious cycle all over again.

  • SAKSHI BAJAJ
    SAKSHI BAJAJ   Jul 02, 2017 08:58 AM

    Hi, 

    Okay so i want to say that being in a relationship should never ever mean compromising upon your dignity in the process. That is what matters the most. Not love, or whatever one does in the name of it. People often fail to understand that it is not love if it's pulling you down. Love empowers, not destroys. We definitely should love, it's what we live for, but not to the point where we don't recognise the person that we become. Always keep your essence as a person intact. Don't let anybody take that away forom you. All the signs of a toxic relationship are right before our eyes but we fail to recognise them, because clearly we are blinded by our emotions. One should know that when being with someone is making your life miserable instead of improving it, you need to get out of it. You should never let your partner control you in any way. The moment they start dictating terms and you comply that's when emotional abuse begins. And it can lead to physical abuse too. Don't lose your respect for any person, ever. It's not love if you have no dignity left. Focus on creating a relationship where both the people are equal and  are adding something to each other's life. Getting out of a toxic relationship, be it romantic or platonic or even with your parents, is the biggest favour you'll be doing yourself. There has to be a line drawn as to how much one tries to reconcile things, try to make it work, but one needs to realise that sometimes it's just not meant to be. To love and respect. Hope it helps!

  • Shena Shaikh
    Shena Shaikh   Jul 02, 2017 12:17 AM

    Hi there! I hope you are doing well

    If you are someone/know someone who is in an abusive relationship, I implore you to please get required help to leave the abuser and work towards recovery.

    It is incredibly difficult to predict how exactly any relationship will pan out. Overtime, we get to see as realistic a picture of a person as we possibly can. Abuse in intimate relationships is a very difficult thing to handle. Often, victims excuse certain behavior(s) and signs due to denial -a defence mechanism. They are afraid of leaving their abusive partner out of fear of what the consequences may be. No one should take that kind of treatment from anyone –be it a family member or a partner.

    To help you identify an abusive or toxic relationship, here are a few signs:

    1. Behaving obsessively. Your partner treats you like a possession. No one can look at you or you at anyone else without their being serious consequences
    2. Excessive Jealously. This leads to you being falsely accused of infidelity or being led astray from your goals.
    3. They manipulate everything. Use your words against you and make you feel guilty when they are in the wrong. Use gas-lighting to make you feel crazy
    4. Control your every move. Always keep a watchful eye on everything you do. Restrict your movement, invade your privacy.
    5. Take advantage of you. Physically, sexually, financially, emotionally. Never respect no.
    6. Isolate you from others. Make you feel like the world is against you, turn you against all your friends and make you feel that they are your only ally. Consequently, you have no one to go to once the relationship gets really bad. In this way, they have an even firmer grasp on you.
    7. Humiliate you in front of other people. Always try to bring you down through criticisms and insults.
    8. Abuse you verbally and physically. The abuse is bad and it scares you to do anything that displeases them out of fear of what the consequences will be.
    9. Intimidate you by being physically aggressive.
    10. Being emotionally abusive: ignoring you, demeaning you, belittling your thoughts, opinions and views – making you feel like you do not matter.
    11. Blame you for everything that goes wrong. Refuse to acknowledge any mistake made on their behalf
    12. Take out all their anger out on you. You become a physical sounding board to them. They have outbursts and get agitated over the smallest things.

    Do not take an incidence of any one of these signs lightly.

    It's important to remember that their behavior is a reflection of them. Not of you. So anything they say to bring you down is not valid and it is not true. You are so much more than what some toxic person thinks of you or puts in your head. You need to leave before that kind of derogatory talk becomes your inner dialogue.

    You shouldn't stay with someone demeans you and treats you poorly. Someone who thinks its okay to do that in the first place will do it again. The first 2 instances of any of these should be enough for you to leave them on the curb

    Value yourself too much to be with anyone who treats you poorly. 

    Abuse of this nature often scars victims for life. If you find yourself in such a relationship, I implore you to seek help.

    Go to your family or a trusted friend and tell them what you are facing. You can get help. You can be free from your abuser if you seek help at the right time. You are tougher than your abuser. You can break free from whatever bind they are holding you with. Build up a support system and get a restraining order. Seek therapy to help you through your recovery. It is an incredibly brave thing to do and you have coped through so much alone.

    I wish you all the best. Everyone at eWellness Expert is here to listen at any given time. Please feel free to hit us up :)