Is it justified to hurt someone physically when they hurt you emotionally?

07 Jul
Name Confidential

My best friend recently cheated on her boyfriend who she was dating for around 2 years. She always had doubts about really liking him but she still went on with the relationship. Recently she went for a month to another city for an internship. There she met a new guy and she claims that they had a connection. They eventually hooked up. Her boyfriend found about this and started talking to me. He was really really really upset, wanted to kill himself kind of upset. I calmed him down for the meantime, but it is very difficult for him to deal with it. Meanwhile i am angry my friend. Recently she met her boyfriend to tell him the whole story. She told him that they did more than kissing. Her boyfriend got angry and held her neck and hurt her arm, and then he stopped and left. I know its not right, but is it justified that he held her neck? 

Responses 6

  • Mukul Arora
    Mukul Arora   Jul 26, 2017 01:54 PM

    Hello !

    See, It is not justified but it is natural human instinct to respond in such a way. A guy who was already depressed because of events and if he gets angry hearing such things,you cannot expect him to be rational at that moment.I am not taking sides here but we are not here to judge someone morally because that would be subjective and psychology doesn't deal with that . Hurting someone physically for revenge is not a good thing either but it is the least you can expect from a person who was angry and depressed . What depends how is that person behaving after those evnts , is he sorry for what happened ? or does he desire to take revenge by physically hurting her in future? because if he is still wants to hurt her in physical manner or is planning to take revenge then he is not only goiung to harm but also himself in the due process. We live in a environment where we very soon start trusting people and so blindly taht we do not even foresee the consequences that what is going to happen if it is broken . The result would be when it will be broken we will get angry ,will spend most of our time planning revenge . It is not about justification it is about whether it is healthy or not which it is absolutely not. 

  • Anjali Khurana
    Anjali Khurana   Jul 23, 2017 10:59 PM

    before I go into my take on your question, I'd like to make one thing absolutely clear: it is never okay or justified to physically, or as for that matter, verbally hurt someone because they hurt you first. 

    firstly, let's talk about your friend. she chose to deal with everything in an incredibly inappropriate manner, instead of handling the situation maturely. if she wasn't sure of her feelings for her boyfriend, she should've never begun the relationship, let alone carry it on for two years. that is really unfair to the other person who might genuinely like you a lot. then when she met a new guy she liked more, she should've immediately broken up with her boyfriend. cheating on him only worsened the situation. and her boyfriend feels so intensely for her, she should've tried and been more considerate about it. talk to her and make her realize her faults so she can be more insightful in the future.

    as for the boyfriend. it seems like he is unable to handle his emotions properly, leading to instability in his behaviors and reactions. that he had suicidal feelings is suggestive of the extremity of emotions, and that he resorted to physical violence is an example of how he is completely unable to process and deal with his emotions properly since it lead him to resort to the most detrimental option available. you should speak to him and actively encourage him to seek help from a professional immediately, as this may also influence other relations of his negatively.

  • Ayushi Jolly
    Ayushi Jolly   Jul 08, 2017 04:03 PM

    Hello there!

    Please not that I do not ever favor any kind of abuse but no single party can be blamed in this scenario.

    Here,the girl was not sure about how she feels for the guy yet she continued. The guy I presume has positive regard for her. When the girl shifted and interacted with the guy that she claims to have connected with,she should have informed her boyfriend about it. Maybe hinted on that she is not interested or something if not break up.

    The boyfriend still did not react and seeked comfort from you,instead which is healthy. However, he was depressed and his behaviour can be traced as anger venting out. He could not control himself and could not digest the fact that he has been cheated on. Maybe that relationship meant a lot to him. It was not at all justified that he held her from the neck and all but I'm afraid the girl is to be blamed for it. He could not understand what happened with him and that is how his reaction came out. The girl should have told him if she was not interested. Being the observer,you can make her realize her mistake and apologize,if she wants to get back.The least that can happen is that he might with time,heal and accept her back or it is advisable to move out of such a relation where he is ready to physically harm you.You never how he might have just done something more and things could've gone worse.

  • Reshma Venugopal
    Reshma Venugopal   Jul 08, 2017 02:12 PM

    Hi there. 


    I think the worst part of this all is that your friend's boyfriend is the one getting the brunt of it all. The cycle is simple, His girlfriend cheats on him, he finds out, he gets hurt and reacts violently. He is clearly an emotional person, and while it was wrong to lift his hand on your friend, I somehow find it justified from his point of view. Emotional feelings that are so bottled up will eventually need a place to lapse, and your friend was at the wrong place at the wrong time. She should have handled her mistake in a more mature manner and told him the truth from the start rather than leave it for so many days. 

    The guy definitely needs to learn to control his anger issues and not let it out through violence. But instead of putting all the blame on him, I think your friend should've seen it coming. She did him wrong, and for that somehow she paid the price through getting hurt physically. It is wrong, undoubtedly wrong and shouldn't have happened. People need to understand those thoughts of self-harm, self-destruction, and hurting is not things one can simply let go when told to. It requires time, patience and understanding and people will not listen if they are again told that they are wrong. Emotional wounds heal slower than physical ones and the guy needs to have people around him who will tell him how to get out of his state rather than tell him he made a mistake by hitting her. 

    So I hope he finds help soon, and hope your friend has the sense to not cheat on someone again. 

  • Sneha Chauhan
    Sneha Chauhan   Jul 07, 2017 11:34 PM

    I don't think getting violent does anyone any good. It is very much understandable why he did that. He is only human to feel that way. But violence can cause harms which are not easy to take back. Mostly, women have internal conflicts when they enquire an emotional situation, while men have outbursts of impulses. They should realize the harm that could happen if the situation goes worse. I'm not saying suffer in silence, it will make him become a time bomb ticking until he blows himself up. He doesn't have to put himself on the spike for that girl. He surely deserves someone better he can focus his attention and love upon. You can console and empower him to do better, because he will ruin himself if he thinks about her too much. Either he will try and hit her again because of the hatred she has called upon herself, or he will just pray for the old loyal girlfriend back. He must realize that his hatred will not make her a loyal person, it will only make him the culprit of her thoughts. Confront him about his plans on dealing with her. Do not let him make a move that might ruin your best friend's or his own life.

    Best wishes.

  • Shubhanshi Singh
    Shubhanshi Singh   Jul 07, 2017 01:19 PM

    Hi there! 

    The answer is NO. It is not justified what your friend's boyfriend did. It looks like he lost his temper and couldn't control his impulses. This reflects his extreme aggressiveness. I suggest that you ask him to consult a therapist so he can have a hold on his emotions because this is a big issue. This one time he could stop himself from hurting his girlfriend but that doesn't mean he will be able to control himself everytime. He could be dangerous to others. 

    It is natural for a person to be emotionally hurt after what your best friend did to her boyfriend. However, one can always express pain and sorrow verbally instead of being physically violent. 

    Like you said he was upset enough to think of killing himself, now is that not a dangerous thought? 

    Talk to him and ask him to think wisely for better life decisions. Life throws you into a number of difficult situation, if he continues to be so destructive to others and his own self, it will be difficult to survive. 

    He can also book an appointment with experts through this portal if he requires urgent help.