How do I help?

12 Jul
Ayushi Jolly

My friend lost her mother at the age of 8.Since then she was put into a boarding school.She is a nice,helpful person but afraid of developing bonds and is very neutral in social situations also.She is brilliant in studies and confident but how do I convince her to chnage? I know it can rooted to her mother's death but how to convince her to believe in people and love again? Her dad married another woman who is very nice to her.She has a younger sister who is also nice. There is no family rejection or something but how d I help her in overcoming this fear she has for love?

Responses 4

  • Shreya Narayanan
    Shreya Narayanan   Aug 04, 2017 06:17 PM

    Hey there,

    Philophobia or the fear of falling in love precisely is one of the commonest phobias. In here,the person is afraid to fall in love or create stronger ties or bonds with another person.

    Your friend's mother died, it's unfortunate enough to hear it. But then,when she needed support and love and guidance,she was sent to baording school. Although boarding school teaches independence but because of being sent early to a land of strangers,this distance has caused her to think that all bonds are somehow broken and so she fears creating stronger ties.

    She is independent and bright and so preaching her about not falling in love would be incorrect. She is mature enough to understand when to make ties and which person is worth falling in love. Simply giving her your time and helping her to socialize would be helpful,love will happen when it will happen. 

    I'm glad unlike Bollywood movies,her relations with her step mom and sister are very good. 

    Giving her all the time she needs is the best thing you can do right now,let her be the way she is. You only have to support her right decisions and choices and help her enjoy her life along with yours. Thank you 

  • Mukul Arora
    Mukul Arora   Jul 23, 2017 10:01 PM

    Hey there, 

    I don't think there is any advise which can be given about this until there is complete info about that girl's conflicts. She lost her mother at young age,transferred to boarding school and even her father marrying another woman. It can be either one thing or it can be all of these things conflicting with her thoughts. It might be possible she has some other problems that even you do not know about . So the best thing here would be just talking to her, and making her feel like a safe space to share her issues. 

    Even though she lost her mother in her childhood , it can leave scars. Some move on and some don't. That is the reason why different people act different in same situation and require professional help. It might be because even though her step mother is great she did not like the fact that her father married another woman made her question true love. Also it might be something that took place in boarding school which she hasn't shared yet .So it can be these things indivually affecting her or it might be possible all of these things are bugging her  So i think instead of jumping to the solution to the problem there must be complete evaluation of why has she lost hope . I hope this answer helps. 

  • Radhika Goel
    Radhika Goel   Jul 14, 2017 04:58 PM

    Hey, hope you are doing well :)

    From what I understand of the situation, instead of pointing out to your friend that she is afraid of forming deep bonds or that she prevents herself from getting to know people properly, you should give her unconditional support and love. You should make her realise how much you trust her and appreciate her and care for her deeply. When you show a person that there is someone in their life who would go out of their way to take care of them and love them, they might respond with same kind of affection.

    As you mentioned she has a family that does not negelct her, so she may not be afraid of forming new relationships but to lose the one's she has. Thus you should find ways to make her see that she won't lose you.

    Hope this helps :)

  • Shubhanshi Singh
    Shubhanshi Singh   Jul 12, 2017 05:08 PM

    Hi there!

    There is no greater pain than losing a closed one. Your friend lost her mom. It's natural for her to take her time to get over this difficult time. 

    Maybe enrolling her into a boarding school wasn't a good idea. The time when she needed to be around people who love her, she was sent to distant place among strangers. We can't possibly imagine how tough it must have been for her to adjust to those surroundings. That is when she might have decided to live her life on her own as a defense mechanism. As she grew, this rule which she was abiding to during that situation eventually grew to be a part of her personality and now she distances herself. 

    I think you shouldn't rush her into anything. She is mature. She will believe in love when she is ready and the time comes. The most you can do right now is feel loved, appreciated and important in everyone's lives so she understands the importance of all these things she is missing. Be a companion who showers her with care and warmth so she knows how it feels. 

    Just give her time. 

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