• 20 Dec
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Bipolar Disorder-Mood like a seesaw

    bipolar disorder

    All of you are lucky, because for the most part, you can control how you feel.

    You don’t suddenly feel very happy or very sad. A constant mood is a blessing, a mood which only changes if something big happens.

    My life has never been so simple. I am an artist by profession.

    The ‘high’ moods I had made me paint without eating, drinking and sleeping for days.

    I would have new ideas, and I would paint one canvas after another! I thought to myself – wow! I wish I can stay this charged up forever.

    My paintings sold like crazy. There was no limit to the number of buyers.

    The sheer energy in my paintings meant that people from all walks of life wanted to buy them.

    The demand increased. Fueling myself with coffee and alcohol, I worked and worked.

    I earned prestige and a name. People knew me to be the whacky artists whom they couldn’t decide whether to love or hate.

    And then came the crash. A horrible, bad, crippling low mood.

    I had no energy. Waking up was a pain. Smiling was a bigger pain.

    What happened to me, I thought? My paintings became dark and gloomy, if at all I had the energy to make them. Very few sold.

    My contracts were going, my debts were rising. One day, looking outside my apartment, I decided to jump. I leapt. And all went dark.

    I woke up in a hospital, with a bandaged head and aching body.

    I discovered that I had fallen in a balcony of one of the floors below, and had been saved. I hated that. I wanted to end it.

    On the third day of my admission, a doctor came and asked me about my mood. I told him of all the glamour and high spirits; and about the crash.

    That’s when he told me I had bipolar disorder.

    The highs would be great, he said, but the lows would be horrible. “Get treated”, he told me. And I did. I don’t think I could take another low like that one.

    Medicines, therapy, art, music – everything helped me. I am still different from you. I’m not as much in control of my mood as you are. But I have come a long way. And I plan to go on.

    Consult A Therapist.

    Admission of Bipolar Disorder was not an easy task for Yo Yo Honey Singh!


  • 19 Dec
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    OCD and Childhood Trauma-Too much dirt in the world

    ocd obsessive compulsion disorder

    My mother was really proud of me when I was growing. I was given the job of keeping the house clean and tidy, and this was such an important task.

    Our guests would judge us based on how clean the house looked.

    I had 4 more sisters but they were not given this job. This meant that I was important to Mom and I was better than others on this.

    So I cleaned. I cleaned each day and for several hours a day.

    I didn’t go to school; we didn’t have that much money. I gave my exams through open schooling mode. Without any friends, I made cleanliness my friends.

    I loved to clean. Dirt and germs were my enemy.

    As I grew up, my exams became tougher and we got the help we could afford: a young college student willing to help me out with my studies.

    He was a horrible man. He did bad things to me. He told me that I like what he did. I didn’t! I really didn’t! I cleaned more and more, trying to remove all the dirt he put on me.

     One day, some of his dirt was there on my hands, and it just wouldn’t come off. I was about to chop my hand off because I didn’t want a dirty hand. “I don’t want a dirty hand, mom!” I shouted.

    My mother came running from the other room and was horrified at the sight of me. She was really scared and started to cry. She requested me to drop the knife in between the sobs and took me to a doctor.

     The doctor told me that I had OCD. But I like cleaning, I said, it’s my only friend. Along with the medications, I was asked to see a Counselor.

    We did a lot of art, and one day she asked me “has anyone touched you wrongly?” and I started to cry. I cried long and hard as all the hurt and dirt came outside.

    We slowly worked through my years of trauma and abuse. She told me my OCD could be related to this childhood trauma I underwent. She explained to me that cleaning was fine, but not to the extent that it harms me.

     Slowly, we worked on my urges to clean and now, I am in much more control than I ever was. There is still a lot of dirt in the world, but it’s not mine to clean.


  • 19 Dec
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    My recovery from delusion

    My recovery from delusion

    I was always an intelligent boy. My teachers would say that I understood much faster than the other children in school. I was really glad to make my parents proud. As is the norm in this country, my parents thought I should become an engineer. No one would have thought that it would start my bad times.

     It was my first time away from home. Although it was a prestigious college, hostel life was never easy. Suddenly, all the responsibility was on me, I had to clean the room, wash my clothes, made sure my bills are paid and had to concentrate on a very difficult course – engineering. I was a smart child but my interest wasn't honestly engineering. I wanted to study something about the nature and environment we live in. I wanted to do something about pollution.

     I got lesser and lesser sleep each day as I thought of my parents’ expectations and my dreams which were much different. On top of that, my roommate was always rude to me. He was a smart student but he was also a bully. He kept the room dirty and put all the work on me. He would rebuke me each time I got less marks in a paper or exam.

     My eating and sleeping reduced, but I was putting on weight, had dark circles under my eyes, and looked and felt tired. That was the first time I had a vision or feeling that was not real. Slowly, the gap between reality and my inner world increased. I started to hear and see things. Some of these were really bad things ‘You are worthless’ ‘You will be a failure’ and many horrible things.

     One day, I started to talk to myself in class. I felt like I was talking to a student next to me, but later others told me that no one was there sitting next to me. People started looking at me oddly, some started to laugh. I felt horrified, scared and broken. One day, it was too much. I felt like there is dark all around and someone is pushing my head down. I was feeling like this is not real, and suddenly when I found myself in this state I started shouting and fainted.

     The warden thankfully saw me and told to my parents. I woke up in a hospital, and two three different doctors spoke to me. I finally had peaceful sleep. They told me I had a psychotic episode. They spoke to me about what causes it and how I can make it better.

    Schizophrenia is a brain disorder in which affected person is unable to differentiate between real situations and delusions.

    As with any psychiatric medication one medicine that works for one person may not work for other. My doctor tried number of drugs. I gained weight because of their side effects and was always feeling sleepy. Reading negative experience of patients on internet made me think that both medication and therapy are no good. I stopped medication for some time but started again. For now doctors seems to have found one that helps.

     Slowly, with psychotherapy and medication, I got better. I was losing my touch with reality much less, and finally I was in full control. I was having fulfilling relationships, high self- esteem and had changed my course to environment studies. Today I am happy and flourishing, all due to timely attention to my issue. I was able to carry on a conversation; rehabilitate as I grow an insight into my illness. I had experiences that I may be able use to help other people.

    Thanks for reading my story.

    Image source

  • 19 Dec
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Whole world was against me

    Whole world was against me

    I am 19 years old girl from India and there was something seriously wrong with my life till a year back. I was born in a north Indian family. My grandparents didn’t want a girl so they wanted to kill me in the womb. My parents left the home to save me. In case you are not aware marrying a daughter needs lots of money in this part of world; so poor parents prefer boys over girls. We live in south India now. Now my parents don’t love me either. They curse me for being the reason to be away from their homes for all this time without any contact. I feel upset and cry a lot. My parents value money more than relationship and love, probably because they were never rich. This has created a feeling of longing for love in me and hatred toward money as that is coming as barrier for me to get love from my parents. I channelized my feelings of anger and longing for love toward studies and started scoring highest in the class. I have always been topper in my class but still I get only humiliation from my parents. When I was a kid once I was forced to spend the night outside the house because of not doing homework. I had become so sensitive that even when someone talked to me in high voice I started crying. I found it very difficult to deal with not-so-caring and not-gentle people. When they did anything wrong with me, I took it as my fault and become sad. It made it very easy for bullies and people who didn’t like me to trouble me, as I did not fight back. My feeling was pretty much of a loner and just felt worthless.

       I was not aware about emotional issues or cognitive disorders, I started feeling alone and I avoided social situations. I could not sleep; it was very difficult to get out of bed and starting the day. I started struggling with that situation and I was unable to find what was wrong with me. My self-esteem was non-existent, and as such I felt worthless. It felt no one outside my immediate family, would ever want to be my friend, or care about me, I considered suicide but was too scared to do it; I was torn apart in my own little world.

       I kept thinking about my past and regretting on things. I started struggling with that situation. I was unable to concentrate and my memory also became poor. My exam scores started getting lower and my parents used to beat me for this. They threatened to marry me to a drunkard.  My physical health started deteriorating but my parents never took me to hospital.

       Slowly I realized that keeping all this inside me was becoming more and more detrimental to my health, and I felt like a gas chamber waiting to explode, which I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. I wanted to do something about it as nobody else was doing anything for me; I spoke to a trusted friend. Out of all the things that life and work had thrown at me across the years this conversation ranked as one of the most courageous things I had done, but the very thing I had always feared of being judged - never occurred, what replaced it was empathy, understanding and support - it gave me the strength to take the conversation further and talk to a professional psychotherapist.

       I knew my psychological problems wouldn’t let me do the same job in the same way as I have always been doing it. I wish I had done something about my health years earlier; things might have not come to this worse, if I or my parents have taken me to a counselor earlier. After working with my psychotherapist and with the help of some medication for a year, things started falling in place and my journey of recovery started. Being at work helped me; it gave me support and worthy feeling and helped me get better. Some days I have to be stronger than others, but I refuse to be beaten or put down by my condition.

  • 19 Dec
    Shiva Raman Pandey

    Panic Attack-I felt I am dying

    panic attack


    This happened just a month ago.......

    I was in my room preparing for my exams as usual.

    All of a sudden I started feeling a strange feeling in my heart that I couldn't shake or get my mind off of.

    I went upstairs to talk to my mother, thinking maybe that by talking to her would calm me down. It didn't.

    I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was about to go to bed soon. 

    Soon after I answered "ok," all the hell broke loose upon me.

    panic attack gif

    My heart instantly started beating like a engine. I was so terrified as soon as I felt my heart beating at this speed when I put my hand on my chest.

    I came out of my house barefoot, started walking in the park, hoping that it would subside.

    It got so bad that I fell to my knees pleading to God to keep me alive.

    I felt death approaching, my heart exploding. I know now that this was a full blown panic attack.

    My head started spinning and my throat started to choke.

    My breathing was already fast and shallow.

    I fell down on my face to the ground thinking that life has come to an end.

    It's all over. This was the end. But I started praying and begging to God to spare me.

    I finally managed to receive the strength to stand up, run fast inside the house and grabbed my prayer book lying on my bed.

    I started reading verses, and after about an hour of reading, my heart rate slowed down enough to where I wasn't worried anymore.

    I believe God saved me that night.

    I searched on the internet about this and when I knew that this could be a panic attack, I consulted a psychotherapist and with few months of therapy and medication I have almost forgotten these issues.

    Tips to overcome Panic Attack.

    Image source

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