Samar: Look I just don’t want to keep any contact with you. It would be better if you don’t call me again.
Me: But….. but why are you doing this? We have spent so much good time together.
Samar: No, I do not have time for all this. The relation will not have any future, so I feel I am just using you.
Me: why do you think, the relation won’t have a future, ofcourse, when you get a job at Bangalore, we can still be in touch over the phone and net.
Samar: No I just don’t want to continue, I don’t want keep a contact, I have my girlfriend….. you know that don’t you? so please don’t bother me.
Me: Samar I can’t force you, but the relation has been very precious to me. I have been serious, please don’t break it up like this, atleast we can be friends… you take your time… think over it…. After few years if you feel, your mind has changed, then we can settle on something…
Samar: I don’t want, I just said…………. If I ever feel like, I will call you……now please leave….
Me: Yes, if you feel like, please call me….
I waited, several days, several months, but never the call from Samar came to my cell. Whenever there was an unknown number, I would presume that it could be him, calling from elsewhere, because he was missing me, and wanted to communicate, but perhaps not owning up.
This last telephonic conversation with him is still fresh in my mind, I may be sounding like a nagging child, a person who is so cheap as to go on and on with the pleas for getting love back, when the other person doesn’t just want to continue, but remember Geet’s dialogue, “Jab Koi Pyaa mein hota hai, to kuch sahi galat nahi hota”, I guess it is true.
And I was just in my tweens, and he was my first love, yes even today, I won’t shy away from admitting it, he was my first love, but he never loved me back.
Months passed away, me brooding over this disastrous break up.
I cried and cried every morning as soon as I woke up. The regular pain was unbearable, but I kept attending classes in my college, I could not openly tell my parents anything, but they knew something was wrong with me, and that was even more embarrassing for me.
Only a few of my friends knew my story, some were with me some went against my ideology. But I persisted with my ‘depression’ for 3 long years, yes today I know it was severe depression, which distorted my health, well I do not complain about it, for that helped me achieve a lovely size-zero figure. J
I kept mailing him, sometimes with sad love songs, sometimes quotes (well I really did not know, what better these things could do for me), but as a young tween in my 1st year, I felt this could convey my heart’s agony to him. There was not a single response.
The mails from my side continued, sometimes like “you nasty bastard, you asshole……….. you cheapo………..you will die in the drain”, because I would be just so angry at myself for loving a person, who was just passing his free time with me. I blamed myself, “why? Why didn’t I realize it that day, the very first day….!”
The social hangout hub of City Centre was blazing with lights. The Sunday evening is never very peaceful there. Mobbed with faces, the shopping mall just shows how enthusiastic the city can be.
I was with two of my friends, my best friend Asmita, who was already head over heels for Samar, and Ritica, who has always been a positive supporter. I have dressed myself up properly with the best I could. For the first time in 20 years I was going to meet a boy alone, though the purpose was to convince him accept the love of my friend Asmita, who had admitted to me already that she could not live without me.
You must be wondering, why would a stranger listen to me! Well the story goes 6 months back, when I had visited the college fest of Asmita as a guest.
She was in an engineering college, and I was a student of English, that too in a girls’ college. Girls’ school, girls’ college, no boys, no fun………and ofcourse no idea :/ hence the disaster.
Anyway, the day I visited their college, I came to know who were the most notorious people in their campus, one of whom was Samar. The group popular for drugs, drinks, smoke, politics, and no attending classes.
After a week or two, Asmita informed, that Samar had noticed me and had enquired about me to her. Someone has noticed me, appreciated me, oh my God! That was so exciting. Anyway, Asmita was in love with him, so I was not thinking anything for myself.
I started chatting with him over Orkut, I can say, the first move was from his side, he had tracked me down and sent me a friend request (today the site is an obsolete one, but in those days, it was the hot cake, the first social networking site).
And our chats continued, with Asmita in focus, from my side, though he always wanted to avoid her in the topic of discussion, but whatsoever the chats went long and long, and the café manager’s bill too J
I was liking it. The new experience was good, though I scolded myself because I should not be feeling this way.
Finally, we decided to meet at City Centre. I was ready with my backups, Asmita and Ritica. As 5.00 PM was approaching, I was having roller coasters in my stomach. Asmita was equally excited, for she would get a glimpse of him.
He came, we met him, my friends left me and went home. I was confused what I was going to say, I was nervous, but I didn’t let that show on my face.
He spoke about himself, I spoke about Asmita. But Samar clearly said: “Asmita is a junior to me, I know what you are trying to say, but I can never accept her love, why don’t we speak about us, I like you.”
I was upset because I attempted something and I failed, but I was also anxious, whether it was a new beginning for me. I know you will feel what kind of a girl am I! If Samar did not accept Asmita, I should have left without a word.
But truth is stranger than fiction. When the logic is clear that he did not like Asmita but me, then how could my quitting help her!
Samar and I had a long conversation. He admitted that he was one of the bad guys. He was popular among girls, but he had never been serious with anyone. Heart breaks were his type, and he cared less to imbibe any bad habit.
He had a girlfriend in college, with whom his friends put him into a relationship.
But after all these discussions, I felt even more attracted towards his personality. Why is it so? Why is it that girls always fall for the bad guy?
It’s a psychology, opposites attract! It’s in your mind, that when a person is preaching his bad sides to you, he must be a good person in nature, or else he would be pretending to be good, and I thought the same, and it is evident how wise I was.
He was playing with my mind. “So is this the end, are we not meeting again?”, I said with hesitation “may be not”.
A new phase of life started, our midnight phone calls began, our long discussions on his hobbies, my hobbies, what he liked about me etc. etc.
One day he revealed that his playboy nature was because of a severe wound he received from a girl in his high school, whom he had loved.
But she had rejected his proposal. His girlfriend in college was a namesake, and it was not yet time for his family to know about her, or may be the time would never be.
The game could not have been better. I sympathized with him, and as a ‘wise’ and ‘intelligent’ girl, I believed that I could change him, give him a better life.
On the other side Asmita had begun hating me for this. I loved my friend too, but I could never explain her the situation. I myself was unsure of what I was doing.
We started dating each other, occasionally, I loved our walks in the evenings, the hesitant touches, and the long long conversations. I was already into the relationship.
But one day, he started avoiding me. He would not call, and when I called, he spoke to me as if it did not matter anymore, he didn’t care I was happy or hurt. He had played his game, and now it was my necessity to continue the relationship.
I would call him at alternate nights to speak, but he was most reluctant to. He usually kept quiet with occasionally monosyllabic replies.
Meetings had reduced in frequency. I did not know what was happening. I have always been a strong person, but this was difficult for me to handle. The regular anxiety was attacking, painful, disrespectful, but I didn’t even wish to end it.
Finally, this telephonic conversation after a year of relationship, though I know now, that probably it was one-sided.
He was just making a joke, for I later came to know from one of his friends that he was just trying to win a bet with his friends, by winning me over. Every day, he went on a date with me, he discussed them with his friends in minute detail, about what we have talked, what we have done, it has been just fun for him. He wanted to win the challenge.
After this information, I just wanted to kill myself. After a breakup, there will always be a reconsideration on your self-respect, on top of that when we come to know, that you have just been a chess piece for someone’s game, you suddenly start hating yourself for your foolery, your idiocy, and to compensate and regain your self-respect, you wish to achieve what is impossible.
And hence started my chase for Samar. When he was posted to Bangalore on job, I found out his new number from one of his senior colleagues, whom I have not heard of ever, after trying to connect with him for months (you can imagine the effort it required for this search).
I called him up, “Hello, how are you, are you good?” only to hear, “how did you get my number, how dare you call me up hear? Don’t you dare do this kind of nuisance again”.
It took me almost 3 years to recover from the mental shock, but as I said, I have always been a strong person, and have lived my life on my own terms, so the responsibility of my mistake was mine.
I never blamed anyone else, I never revealed the event to anyone in my family to avoid further humiliation. My mother has seen me suffering, I was irritable, anguished, I often spoke rudely with her, but she bore with me, in silence and resilience.
Depression has its side effects and I have been through all of them. Days were long, when I wished for never ending nights. I refused to eat, refused to accept any normal activity. But my family has always been a support even in my stubbornness.
Today I realise, how foolish and stupid I have been. I laugh at my own actions today. Imagine sending love songs! Ridiculous!
I started believing that love was bull-shit, all that our Hindi movies displayed was fantasy, mere eulogization, I had lost all faith on people.
There was nothing called real, no-one was real, no emotion was real, I believed. This is a phase which will last with you for quite some time, if you face with a breakup for which you have not been responsible.
I felt humiliated, insulted, rejected as a human being. Dejection was my friend, nothing positive was there, but I tried convincing myself, that “I will succeed in life, one incident cannot destroy my spirit completely, if this happens, he will win, the crook will win…I have to recover, I have to be the game changer”. May be this strong perseverance is the only thing, that helped me move on.
I cannot finish my story without mentioning about my husband, who was somewhat related to this incident (I won’t name or mention how), but he had also helped me come out of my Utopic world (where I believed love can change everything), he made me face the reality.
Today we are a happy couple, and before marriage, I have been in a long term relation with him, this period helped me identify love in a new way.
Love is not just about feeling, or about attraction, but it is a commitment, about responsibility towards each other, and I have realized these qualities in my husband in these 5 years.
Today when I recall Samar, I laugh at how I have behaved at that time, I do not hold any grudge against him today, because he is no longer important. But I can never forget or forgive him for the three long years of my life that have been wasted in suffering.
With my experience I can say, get the first warning of a one-sided relationship, when your partner is just not interested to initiate any action.
Rather when you feel, that you are the only one, who is calling, or planning for movie dates, or dinners, get the hint, that something is wrong, and what you feel is love, can only be your own feeling, not his.
If he doesn’t love you, your painful letters or mails cannot convert him, he is least bothered, so please don’t waste your precious time, move ahead, but don’t get vulnerable. End of one bad relation doesn’t mean you have to get into another immediately, because someone is sympathizing with you.
Do your work, take your time, life will give you the maturity to handle yourself, and rediscover the essence of love, relationship, friendship and commitment.